Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dearest WWCC readers,
From the bottom of my heart I have to offer a most sincere thank you to you all for reading, following and sharing the blog. The response this far has been nothing short of overwhelming to me. And as you can see from the screen shot of WWCC's Google Analytics Tracker, WWCC is closing in on 6,000 visits in the two months the blog has been live!
WWCC has had readers from every state in this wonderful nation and 35 countries (some of which I had no idea contained white chick residents, let alone access to the Interweb). The blog has 68 followers, the Facebook group is up to 258 members and the Twitter feed is currently sitting at 97 followers.
And based upon this success (did I mention how completely and utterly amazed I am by it?) I have a giant favor to ask of you all. Here's to hoping White Chicks Cherish Networking and Philanthropy:
Now, you may be asking yourself "I'm just a fantastic white chick, what can I possibly to do help?"
And you are fantastic, white chicks. Truly. And you most certainly can help.
At the tender age of 31 I decided to leave behind gainful, albeit completely unfulfilling, employment to pursue a career in advertising as a copywriter. This March I graduated from The Creative Circus, a two-year advertising portfolio school here in Atlanta (it's a legitimate, accredited institution I assure you. And unfortunately I did not get to learn useful and marketable skills like Fire Juggling, Trapeze Artistry, Primate Tomfoolery or Clown Car Packing).
The job hunt thus far has been extremely challenging, intriguing and humbling all at once—all the time. I've had some minor succeesses—some freelance work, an internship and a few interviews that regrettably did not pan out as I'd hoped. And I'm faced with staggering amounts of student loan debt in a down economy in an incredibly competitive field and I could use some help.
So giant favor #1 is: If you or anyone you know happen to work in advertising or marketing or if you happen to know of anyone in need of a writer I beg of you to please help me do some networking. My website www.mark-pantsari.com contains my student portfolio, a few examples of real work I've done, my resume and links to WWCC as well as several other writing samples. Please feel free to share the link with anyone you may know in advertising (though I have heard that folks using Internet Explorer have some difficulties properly viewing the site, it works just fine in Firefox or Chrome).
I have a few irons in the fire currently but it can never hurt to have more good people behind a cause. Initially, I wanted to try to stay here in Atlanta to begin my career and stay relatively close to family and friends. But in the hopes of getting my career in full-swing I would consider moving anywhere for the right opportunity.
I'd be lying through my teeth if I didn't say that the success of the blog thus far has not given me delusions of grandeur. And I do have some pretty fantastic, currently unreachable, pipe dreams for the scope of the blog in the form of merchandise and lucrative book deals. But this blog started as a creative outlet solely for fun and I've had a complete blast writing it. Regardless of what may or may not occur financially, I promise to keep this going as long as I can as long as you all keep reading it.
Any pipedreams of personal financial success derived from WWCC most certainly never included begging for money. But a friend and loyal reader suggested putting a PayPal Donations tab on WWCC—and it lives in the upper right hand corner of the blog if you are so inclined.
I sincerely cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to read WWCC and share a lot of great compliments and comments and I apologize for this post being not nearly as fun or enteraining as others. Part of the appeal of the blog to me has been testing the effectiveness of social media. Altough I have done my fair share of shameless self promotion on behalf of WWCC, its unbelievable success thus far has no doubt been a result of readers sharing it all throughout the Internets.
And now I hope White Chicks Cherish jumping on the bandwagon to help find Mark Pantsari a job.
WWCC will shortly return to its regularly scheduled programming...thank you!!!
Feel free to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, September 27, 2010
Most men have a fairly solid understanding for the function of belts. Together with belt loops, belts serve the completely sensible purpose of keeping one’s pants on and in place. And this is why Belts as Fashion Accessories make absolutely no sense to the single idiot male—they serve no functional purpose other than to say “Hey look at me, I’m a belt on a cute white chick and I serve no functional purpose on this outfit. But I see you looking at me.”
But If I am certain of anything, it is that white chicks are partial to form over function—always.
I think it’s safe to say that a majority of clothing items preferred by white chicks, other than the ubiquitous ridiculously expensive jeans, are not even manufactured with belt loops. Yet it is commonplace for white chicks to wear Belts as Fashion Accessories with sweaters, dresses, and fashionable tops—articles of clothing that are perfectly capable of staying on and in place as a credit to their own design, sans belt. And there seems to be no guiding principle as to the style of said belt, they can be thin and sleek or wide and chunky and come in varying shapes and materials. It all depends on the outfit and the white chick’s preferences.
Even though I am a devout heterosexual single, idiot male, I have seen enough episodes of “What Not to Wear” to offer a somewhat logical explanation of the value of Belts as Fashion Accessories from a white chick’s perspective. According to Stacy and Clinton, it’s a wise fashion move for white chicks to draw attention to the slimmest part of their body, which is usually the waist (and in the case of Belts as Fashion accessories the waist can be located anywhere from the hips to just under the breasts). And Belts as Fashion Accessories do indeed serve this purpose as they can create the appearance of an hourglass figure, make an outfit really pop and indeed capture attention (even if the attention from a male’s point of view is “why do you need to wear a belt with that sweater/dress/fashionable top?”).
There are only two instances in which single, idiot males can relate to Belts as Fashion Accessories:
The first is karate. I quit taking karate lessons as a child shortly after receiving my uniform or “gi” (this was at the peak in popularity of the true original “Karate Kid” movie in the 80s and I had a relatively short attention span as a child). I know for a fact that a “gi” can in fact stay on without the presence of a belt thanks to unseen tie-strings and generally are not manufactured with belt loops. But as we all know, karate belts serve a higher function as their color specifically relates to one’s mastery of the honored martial art form.
The second form of Belts as Fashion Accessories men can relate to are the too-long-braided-leather belts—and most men have all have worn one at some regrettable point in our lives. These belts feature an additional phallic-like length of six to ten inches of superfluous belt men let fashionably (at least in their mind) dangle. And although they still serve a logical purpose of keeping one’s acid-washed jeans or double-pleated Dockers khaki pants in place, the too-long-braided-leather belts are as close to Belts as Fashion Accessories as a single, idiot male would ever get.
It’s mostly a dead fad, but any guy that still willingly wears a too-long-braided-leather belt in such a way these days is likely the type of guy who holsters his cell phone on his hip, wears visors at night, listens to bands like Nickelback and is solely responsible for helping movie franchises like the “Fast and Furious” inexplicably churn out sequel after sequel.
And these douchebags should be avoided at all costs.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
One day while driving together, Jimmy Buffet’s triumphant ode to getting wasted on the beach, “Margaritaville,” came on the stereo. Just after Mr. Buffet sang the line “searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt,” then-girlfriend pumped her first in the air while echoing the words “Salt! Salt!” And although she was doing it for comedic affect, a light popped off deep in the pudding-like expanses of my brain: White Chicks Cherish the Superfluous Addition of Lyrical Touches to Popular Songs (aka Salting).
Now, I haven’t seen Jimmy Buffet since my junior year of high school. And though I am sure Mr. Buffet is contractually obligated to perform “Margaritaville” at his concerts, I cannot confirm or deny that white chicks in attendance that night joined in on superfluous addition of “Salt! Salt!” I killed many brain cells that night and certainly have destroyed thousands more in the 15 years since, but I think it’s a safe bet that white chick Parrotheads that night did indeed “Salt” the obligatory performance of “Margaritaville”
There are few more examples of white chicks cherishing the Superfluous Addition of Lyrical Touches to Popular Songs (aka Salting).
“You Never Even Call Me By My Name” by David Allen Coe
Unequivocally, this song by the vaguely racist country singer is the dictionary definition of white chicks “Salting” a popular song. Every girl that has been in a sorority in a major university anywhere in the South for the last 30 years has “Salted” to this frat house sing-along standard. With flimsy plastic cups of domestic keg beer in hand, white chicks will look at one another with excited eyes when the song plays, nonverbally communicating “OMG girls, this is the part where we cherish the Superfluous Addition of Lyrical Touches to Popular Songs!” Because right after Mr. Coe sings the line “and I’ll stay around as long as you will let me,” white chicks have an innate, insatiable and unyielding desire to echo the line “Let Me! Let Me!” at the top of their lungs.
And though it doesn't happen all the time, many will go on to later make regrettable romantic decisions inside a frat house that very same evening.
“Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond
This is a fabulous song and another prime example of “Salting.” After Mr. Diamond sings the line “good times never seem so good” it is only humanly natural and expected of white chicks to echo/Salt the words “So good! So good!” (Author’s note: Boston Red Sox fans are inclined to “Salt” this song as well.).
“Salting” can also take the form of adding superfluous “wooo’s” to songs.
Often, “Salted Woo’s” can occur during the playing of fight songs white chicks may encounter while overdressing for college football games. The University of Tennessee Volunteers are known for the ad nasueum playing of the fight song “Rocky Top” any time their football has a modicum of gridiron success on game days. Along with their super cool checkerboard end zones (I think, at least), it’s pretty impressive to hear nearly 100,000 people singing in unison “Rocky Top you’ll always be, home sweet home to me. Good ole Rocky Top….” Then the crowd regrettably inserts a “Salted Woo” before finishing the song with "Rocky Top, Tennessee.”
Even my own cherished Clemson University is familiar with the cursed “Salted Woo.” Any time Clemson achieves a modicum of gridiron success (which I wish happened more often) our fight song, “Tiger Rag,” plays. And sure enough, there’s an annoying and unneeded “Salted Woo” that appears just before the orange-bedecked throngs join in loudly spelling the name of our beloved alum.
A few summers ago, I saw the Dave Matthews Band perform on Atlanta’s Piedmont Park (I told you, dear reader, there are certain non-threatening singer-songwriters I happen to be fond of). It was a great show and the first time I’d seen the band since high school (see second paragraph reference about destroyed brain cells).
Late in the show, the band played one of my favorite DMB songs, “Warehouse.” The song begins with a lone acoustic rhythm guitar intro and a dramatic pause before picking back up—with the band joining in member by member until the song is in full swing. Of course as the band began joining in member by member after the dramatic pause, a “Salted Woo” began to fill the air, forevering changing that momentary inclusion of silence during “Warehouse.”
And although I had no actual proof to confirm or deny it, just as in every example I mentioned in this WWCC post, I was absolutely sure that a white chick was responsible for the Superfluous Addition of a Lyrical Touch.
I'd be remiss to not at least recognize that single, idiot dudes are just as guilty of "Salting," but I hands-down guarantee they're only doing it to capture the attention of a splendid white chick somewhere in the general vicinity.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It’s true, along with the pageantry, tradition and competition of college football comes the opportunity for white chicks all across the land to overdress to re-visit their treasured college campus, spend all day in relatively warm weather, cheer on their favorite team and basically get drunk in a parking lot. Maybe it’s just a Southeastern thing, but White Chicks Cherish Overdressing for College Football Games for several reasons: it involves day drinking, wearing cute clothing items with total disregard to the climate and the perfect opportunity to accessorize with various forms of accoutrement.
It’s no secret that white chicks love day drinking—who doesn’t? The tailgating portion of Overdressing for College Football Games has a lot in common with brunch. There's eating, drinking and plenty of time for visiting and general merriment. If the tailgating begins early enough there is opportunity for mimosas, though cocktails and light beers are often the drink of choice. Football season may be one of the few times a year white chicks may consume brown liquor and they can be very creative when it comes to sneaking booze into the stadium despite never, EVER carrying things in their own pockets. A great tailgate spread may include: a Chick-fil-A nugget tray (or the lesser Zaxby’s chicken strips), various chip and dip combos (white chicks usually have an amazing dip recipe in their over sized handbag of tricks), a fresh fruit and veggie tray, there has to be guacamole and of course some bite-sized cupcakes in their team colors.
And then there’s the Overdressing. Football season begins on the cusp of summer transitioning to fall and white chicks will blend the ever-loving hell out of clothing items from both seasons. The cute dress is THE base for a perfect tailgating outfit. Maybe it’s a solid number in one of her team’s colors or patterned with accentuating nods to her alum. Gladiator sandals are the perfect choice for footwear (I think at some point the government issued each white chick a pair of these?) though it’s not uncommon to see high heels despite the amount of walking in unforgiving high heel terrain like grassy hills and concrete. If a white chick is not in a cute dress, then it’s a cute college color top and her ridiculously expensive blue jeans tucked into a pair of boots, which are often delightfully and ironically influenced by either Cowboys or Indians.
Overdressing for College Football Games is also a true test of white chick fortitude. Day drinking in the hot sun can lead to being drastically over-served for white chicks, especially if it’s been a long time since they have consumed any brown liquor. Maybe they’ll have a drunken stumble in their non-practical shoes and develop an unsightly bruise (mystery bruise comparison is quite popular at post-college tailgating Sunday brunch). Maybe they’ll blackout briefly in a Porta-let in the parking lot or in a stall at the game. Maybe they'll unfortunately be seen urinating in public despite a ninja-like hiding place of between two cars. Or maybe they'll get sick and regrettably see those team-color mini-cupcakes make a violent reappearance in the front yard of that one fraternity house. But white chicks are masters of the puke and rally, and they MUST carry on. It's game day after all and white chicks can always use another "just like that one time in college" story.
Win, lose or day-drinking fail, the day of Overdressing for College Football Games will be magnificent.
(I have no idea who the white chicks are in the photo, I just Googled "white chicks tailgating" and picked the first appropriate photo. But bonus points if they happen to read this post!)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
PR requires meticulous attention to detail, the ability to be charming in all social settings and a natural inclination for constant communication. There are plenty of social functions to plan and attend, demanding a relentless work ethic, a photogenic sense of style and the inherent need for of an arsenal of cute outfits. White chicks in PR work hard and play hard; the lines between the two commonly blurred. A Career in Public Relations affords white chicks dependable income and the chance to be engaged in social media while having an engaging social life. And they basically get to spend 40-plus hours a week talking to other white chicks.
White chicks were born for PR.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
It's a competitive world out there for white chicks in our capitalist society. A white girl can barely turn a corner without being confronted with new and improved upon ways to enhance their overall adorable-ness. From the latest cut of ridiculously expensive blue jeans to the quest for finding an even more gigantic hand bag to the search for that one pair of funky but SO cute sneakers all white chicks own—it’s a non-stop hustle to out-cute the competition. And the competition is everywhere. And it looks fantastic.
It can be hard to stand out amidst the throngs of cute white chicks, and white girls do yearn to be unique in their own special way. But there is one thing all white chicks have that is truly their own. Something truly special and unique unto them and them alone. Something that will never change—until they get married and decide to take a new initial.
White chicks cherish Various Monogrammed Items.
It’s an assured fact any white chick you know owns at least one Various Monogrammed Item. It’s a safe bet that the overall aesthetic impact of her current monogram AND future Various Monogrammed Item collection are both given profound thought anytime a relationship with a single idiot male becomes remotely serious. And it may be a gamble, but the odds are worth playing that several white chicks may even know another white chick or white chick mom that makes her own line of Various Monogrammed Items and peddles the wares as a for-fun-side-project.
Taken at face value, Various Monogrammed Items are nothing more than a seemingly random and endless collection of retail items adorned with a white chick’s initials. But it’s way more important than that to white chicks.
Various Monogrammed Items are white chicks' ways of saying to the world:
“THIS IS MY wallet, over sized beach tote bag, bath towels, matching hand towels, sunglasses case, any item ever purchased from L.L. Bean, monogrammed pendant necklace, matching monogrammed pendant earrings, overnight bag, wine glasses, wine stoppers, set of high thread count bed sheets, tissue box cozy, monogrammed-decorated cooler that was a 21st birthday gift from my sorority sisters, pastel colored set of beer can koozies, beach towels, make up bag that was a bridesmaid gift, baseball cap I never wear, sterling silver ring that completes the pendant/earring set, welcome mat, gym bag, luggage set that was a college graduation gift, cutting board, cheese plate, matching cheese cutter, highball glasses, bracelet that was another bridesmaid's gift, first communion dress, hand-knitted blanket, hand-knitted sweater, reusable shopping bag, reusable water bottle, champagne flutes, apron, shower curtain, grandmother's broach that I inherited because I was purposely given the same initials as her, key-chain, mouse pad, stainless steel coffee travel mug, slippers that were also a bridesmaid's gift, calligraphy car decal, glass jar I keep Q-tips in, monogrammed thong panties from my stupid ex-boyfriend, set of shot glasses, decorative soap dish with monogrammed soaps that are for decoration only, reusable lunch bag, lap top computer case, stationery set, flower pot, jewelry box, summer scarf, monogrammed flip-flops I haven't worn since all the bridesmaid's got them as wedding gifts and danced to 80s music at the reception in them, bath robe, throw pillows in my college's team colors, business card holder, umbrella, keepsake photo box, monogrammed coaster set, deck of playing cards and smart phone case.
THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE.”
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I've always thought being able to witness a white chick in her underwear is just like living near the beach: if you're lucky enough to be close to it, you're lucky enough. So far be it from WWCC to ever cast dispersions on white chick undergarments. But I am sure I speak for single idiot men all across the country when I say that a great majority of our free time and brain power is spent thinking about what cute white chicks look like wearing little more than their unmentionables.
In these idyllic daydreams, the cute white chick in question is undoubtedly sporting some ridiculously sexy matching bra and panty set from Victoria's Secret (or Fredericks of Hollywood if said daydreams are less than savory). Unfortunately for heterosexual men everywhere, there are times when reality and fantasy are on opposite sides of the underwear universe. And it is because white chicks cherish Unattractive Beige Mom-Bras.
WWCC's mention of all white chicks owning and wearing items like Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans, Summer Scarves, and Flip-Flops Regardless of Climate made use of hyperbole for comedic effect. But seriously, EVERY white chick owns at least one Unattractive, Beige Mom-Bra (UBMB). (And yes, the correct term for this bra's woefully drab color is "nude," but WWCC will always err on the side of creative license versus truth). There may be no other article in a white chick's closet where function trumps form like the UBMB.
("Time-of-the-Month Granny Underpants" undoubtedly take the function over form grand prize but we needn't discuss such atrocities).
Unattractive, Beige Mom-Bras serve a much more profound purpose than their utilitarian task of keeping "the girls" in place. Ask any white chick with a modicum of self respect, and they'll likely say they aren't very big fans of having their bra show through clothes. It's just not cute. (As a general rule, the only time of the year white chicks will voluntarily look tacky, often dressing like total sluts, is Halloween. But that one particular day is a free pass to do so and an entirely different topic of discussion best reserved for a later time). The saving grace of the UBMB, is it's ability to simultaneously offer support and invisibility. Sort of like the perfect gentleman.
It's a human truth idiot single dudes are destined to discover; there are just certain articles of clothing or outfits white chicks wear that don't lend themselves to sexy bras for various reasons. And I'll never be smart enough to understand them all. But after discussing the unattractive truths of the Unattractive, Beige Mom-Bra, WWCC must offer a profound and sincere apology to our male readers. Gentleman, it's perfectly natural and expected of us to believe that every cute white chick we see on a daily basis is dressed like a Victoria's Secret lingerie model underneath her outfit. Just remember, WWCC's purpose is to please, not pulverize unrealistic fantasy.
And while we're on the subject of unrealistic fantasies, gentlemen, let us never forget that cute white chicks ALWAYS smell fantastic and they never, EVER go number two.
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