White Chick of the Week: Taryn Reinagel

Perhaps those most greatly affected by your humble author’s blog laziness, are the WCOTW candidates. It’s mind-blowing for me to think that there is currently about a month long waiting list for White Chicks to appear on the blog.

And of course when I thoughtlessly go, like, an entire week without making any entries, it just prolongs what surely must be an interminable wait. So along with my gratitude for being a truly splendid specimen of White Chickdom, I’d also like to commend this week’s WCOTW for being extremely patient.

Ladies and gentleman, it’s a pleasure to introduce Taryn Reinagel. Visit her on Tumblr.

BIO

Age: 23

College/Major: Special Education at Georgia College & State University

Occupation: Student/Teacher

Current City: Milledgeville, GA-better known for frequent Ben Roethlisberger visits.

Hometown: Woodstock, GA

One Quick Interesting Fact: Although thought to be impossible, I can lick my elbow!

TARYN’S FAVORITES:

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: #5 Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe, fries & Chickfila sauce with a real Coke (real Coke at Chick Fil A has some form of liquid crack in it) I throw all health concerns out the window, but Chickfila isn’t fast food, y’all!

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Jewel, Alanis, & Sheryl The gang is always essential!

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: Citizens of Humanity

Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Key Lime

White Chick Flick: “Serendipity”-I’m convinced that will be my life…one day.

Favorite white chick adult beverage: Anything tequila. Definitely, tequila.

Favorite White Chick Lit: My book list isn’t too extensive, but “The Cat in the Hat,” “The Grouchy Ladybug, & “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” are daily readings…

Item of Accoutrement/accessories: Statement rings & oversized, slouchy bags

WCOTW Q&A

When did you first realize you were a white chick? 

Well, there has actually been some debate on my official white chick status because I’m extremely tan, but I guess it had to be when I won best dressed in 5^th grade. A very proud moment for my mother who still brings it up to this day.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

As a white chick, I definitely cherish my iPhone. And I am obsessed with painting my nails. I love a cardigan and have collected them in alarming numbers. Sometimes I feel materialistic and feel sad, but then I look at my things and feel happy because I cherish being a WC. Somebody has to do it!

If you could be the contestant on any reality show (think The Bachelor, Top Chef, Project Runway, The Amazing Race, etc.) which one would you choose and why?

Hands down, no doubt about it, The Bachelor. My life motto is “I <3 love” so The Bachelor would be perfect! My only problem is I love to make friends, and I think I would focus on becoming BGF’s with the other girls. Plus it is blatantly obvious that those girls are constantly day drunk and get to go to tropical locations like three dates in, and that is just a win all around. My friends tell me on a daily basis I need to be on it-they’ve even gone as far as nominating me for such an honor!

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?

I need to be on TV. It’s a life goal of mine, but sadly I would be a horrible actress! I would obviously go on Ellen (who is well on her way to being the new Oprah). Because 1) You get to dance 2) Ellen is hilarious 3) Did you SEE the Dennis Quaid skit? 4) She gives away free things 5) You get to dance. Ideally, I would be on Ellen because of The Bachelor/Bachelorette outcome!

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick.

Sometimes I want to throw my cardigans and caution to the wind and become a red neck. As in cowboy boots wearing (in a nonironic, trendy way), redneck games playing, real country music on the radio redneck. But, my friends won’t let me. Once, I made a detailed list of reasons I want/need to become a redneck. *I secretly hide that list & often add to it when I think of great idea!

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Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

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Pretending to be Princesses

Dearest reader,

At some point I realize my apologies for the lack of recent posts may fall on deaf ears. Contrary to popular belief, I was raised right by two loving parents and not a pack of ill-mannered wolves. I should know better than keep a lady waiting, but I am quite lazy sometimes. And it pains me to think that I have caused undeserved frustration to a species of creature I find so entirely fascinating. As if White Chicks didn't have it rough enough already.

In case you need yet another reason to fully grasp just exactly why being a White Chick may be one of those most difficult things on the planet to do, consider this fact:  White Chicks are born into this world as "Daddy's Little Princess." They grow up singing along with Disney-conjured, animated princesses and schlep around the house in their mother's high heels and most sparkly jewelry. They may even receive officially licensed Disney-conjured princess gear for holidays and birthdays. And of course they will have a tiara, one all their own, that will make them feel immensely special and beautiful.

It's because White Chicks Cherish Pretending to Be Princesses.

But then, White Chicks have to grow up and enter the cruel, unforgiving world. From day one of public school a quarter-lifelong struggle begins, against bff and foe alike, to earn the lofty title of princess of the class, the grade, the high school, the sorority and the job. White Chickdom is a non-stop hustle, one that I can barely fathom, let alone write blogs about.

As they grow up and enter middle- and high-school, they realize that playing pretend is an activity best reserved for drama club weirdos or those freaks that play Magic the Gathering. A White Chick's chances to Pretend to be a Princess grow fewer and farther between–save for the occasional school sponsored beauty pageant, homecoming event or of course the end-all, be-all of big days for high school White Chicks...The Prom.

If they choose to rush a sorority in college (they most likely choose to, trust me) they'll get a few more opportunities to play princess dress up. But sorority and fraternity semi-formals are really just a destination high school prom with binge drinking and a souvenir t-shirts featuring a Dave Matthews Band lyric on the back.

And Pretending to be a Princess is very likely a reason why White Chicks make such a gigantic, obsessive-compulsive fuss over weddings. Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is a HUGE deal and a lifelong union of two souls, BUT there's also a lot of single White Chicks out there with an unhealthy collection of bridal mags...just sayin. And they're just plotting and planning their perfect wedding in their minds at all time. Now, if the preceding text sounds a little too cynical and bitter, I will add that there is truly nothing more beautiful than a White Chick bride on her wedding day.

After all, it's their official day to be a princess...as an adult...in front of the eyes of God, her family and virtually everyone she has ever known. Plus, depending on a White Chick's preference for bridal opulence, she may even get to wear a sparkly tiara. Because on this day, she is truly a princess.

You can also bet your ass that Pretending to be a Princess is the exact reason that many White Chicks reading this very post will not only DVR and watch repeatedly, but also purchase at least three commemorative magazines about the upcoming Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton.

 

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White Chick of the Week: Brooke Wenth

It’s always a sincere pleasure receiving emails from folks nominating either a BFF or themselves to be White Chick of the Week. But I also take a lot of pride when I hand pick a WCOTW out of my own circle of friends. Not only is it reassuring to know I associate with such quality people, but it’s a huge ego boost to think someone worthy of WCOTW status would choose to associate with me.

I met this week’s WCOTW a little over a year ago through some mutual friends in Atlanta. We had a large group congregating for some backyard tailgating on July 4^th before we all shipped off to go see Phish perform that night. There was a small group of folks circled up, eating delicious grilled items and sipping cold beers, and I was discussing an idea I had for a new blog endeavor–a comical (hopefully it’s funny? It’s funny, right?) take on the wonderful wealth of things that White Chicks are particularly fond of. She seemed enthused, offered a view suggestions of her own and helped approve of a few topics I already had in mind. So it’s cool to think she was a supporter of WWCC before it was even officially in existence, and I cannot thank her (or even you, dearest reader) enough for supporting the blog.

So along with being a fabulously radical White Chick (which, of course, is the top prerequisite of being bestowed such an honor) she also was present at the conception of my half-witted idea that would eventually turn into What White Chicks Cherish. As always, it’s an esteemed pleasure to introduce this week’s White Chick of the Week. Dear readers, you are now extremely privileged to meet Brooke Wenth. (Feel free to give her some Twitter love @bKwenth

BIO

Age: 32
College/Major: Savannah College of Art & Design / Photography
Occupation: Studio Manager
Current City: NYC
Hometown: Decatur, Alabama
One Quick Interesting Fact About Brooke: I hiccup at least once a day .. everyday. It is usually just one singular hiccup every single day. 

BROOKE’S FAVORITES

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: Living in NYC I miss out on Chick-Fil-A ... it's definitely a "hole in my heart" situation. Whenever I head South, getting my chicken nugget fix is a must but since I don't get to go that often, i couldn't begin to tell you which combo meal it is but it's definitely the chicken nugget one with an iced tea or if I'm living dangerously, a Dr. Pepper!

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Ryan Adams .. though I think he could fall in the threatening category

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: The ridiculously expensive jeans is where I might fall short in my white chick status .. lately I've been wearing American Eagle. Considering how much I spend on concerts & fancy dinners, this is probably a good thing.

Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Pistachio & Red Velvet

White Chick Flick: Devil Wears Prada .. this is my go-to movie when in any sort of bad mood.

Favorite white chick adult beverage: BOURBON

Favorite White Chick Lit: I love to read, it's the perfect way to pass time on the subway. I am currently reading Les Miserable but a favorite is the travel essay genre, particularly ones written by women. Check out Tales of a Female Nomad for a good white chick read.

Item of Accoutrement/accessorie: Nectarine Blossom & Honey Cologne from Jo Malone .. divine!!

WCOTW Q&A

When did you first realize you were a white chick?

It definitely has to be 1990 when I formed a babysitters club (a la the books). The first phone call at our very first meeting was from the postmaster telling me it was illegal to put fliers in people's mailboxes, d'oh!!

It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend.

A fabulous cocktail-filled dinner followed by a concert at one of NYC's many clubs. On any given night there is a handful of awesome bands to check out.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

Shoes!!! I think being a White Chick gives license to wear the most ridiculous shoes and I definitely wear my share. A current favorite is Jeffrey Campbell. Living in NYC though makes it hard, I generally walk everywhere I go and any given night out can result in a few miles. Ensuring a Ridiculous Shoe Success requires knowing what platform to heel ratio works for you. It can be done!!

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?

I'd definitely pick Oprah .. or as I call her, Oprah Girlfriend. My celebrity status would definitely have come from creating a media empire .. complete with magazines, an advertising agency and maybe a record label.

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick.

I generally dislike monograms. Why does everyone need to know that my initials are BMW?

Are you a Twilight fan despite being a full grown adult? Why?

I confess that I inhaled the books .. every good white chick loves a guilty pleasure. The movies though, not so much. More so than Twilight, I love the Sookie Stackhouse books. They are Twilight with a hefty dose of smut.

Help share What White Chicks Cherish on Facebook and Twitter.

Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

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Girl Talk

For those of you who may not know, I spent about seven years of my life as a freelance writer covering music for a few regional papers and publications. Along with being woefully underpaid, the job afforded me the luxury or free tickets and near-limitless “plus-ones,” and the chance to interview some of my personal heroes in music. And I am have no qualms in saying that period of “professional journalism” in my 20s combined with an adolescence of locking myself in my bedroom devouring albums until I knew every nuance of every song and being best friends with like-minded music fiends throughout my life have turned me into a music snob.

Not that I wasn’t a music snob before my stint in woefully underpaid freelance writing, but I am certain that time of my life as a paid professional ALLOWS me to be a music snob.

But music snob single-idiot males and “music snob” White Chicks hardly share the same definition of music snobbery.

Now, I personally know several White Chicks whom I consider to be music enthusiasts­–dare I say “music snobs.” Yes, they own iPods chock full of bands that are far off the pop culture radar AND spend much of their yearly paid time off and disposable income on attending concerts by such bands. But they aren’t really “music snobs” in the grand scheme of things.

I think it’s impossible for White Chicks to be TRUE music snobs.

Sure, White Chick, you may have been to X number of concerts by jam bands like Phish, the Dave Matthews Band or Widespread Panic, but don’t you also own Madonna’s Greatest Hits?  Yes, I know you were deeply offended when a band you discovered (i.e. the Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons) all of a sudden hit it big and now, like, every one likes them, but don’t you still spin The Backstreet Boys on occasion? (Author’s side note, I am still not entirely convinced that Mumford and Sons and the Avett Brothers are not the same band).

Yeah, White Chick, I know you listen to at least one indie band with the name of an animal in its title (i.e. Fox, Bear or Deer), but don’t you watch “Glee” and “American Idol” religiously? And I know you felt super cool for knowing who on Earth The Arcade Fire were BEFORE this year’s Grammy Awards, but didn’t you buy Britney Spear’s new album the day it came out?

Now, I am sure I seem like a grumpy-old curmudgeon by disparaging popular music, and that’s fine. I’ll freely admit to thinking that roughly 97% of today’s “pop” music is inane, formulaic drivel. And I certainly don’t intend to rain on anyone’s parade with my musical opinions. I like what I like and vehemently dislike what I dislike. It’s who I am and it’s way too late in life to change that. (Sorry. Not sorry…as the White Chicks like to say).

But despite a White Chick’s self-professed level of music knowledge or music snobbery, it’s an inevitable fact that White Chicks will dig nearly any type of music made by nearly any type of “artist” simply because:

• It’s fun to sing along to in the car/road trip with the BFFs
• They can blast it while they clean their house in sweatpants
• It’s great for working out
• It makes them dance.

And I’m convinced these are reasons why White Chicks Cherish Girl Talk.

For those unfamiliar, Girl Talk is the stage name of one Greg Gillis, whose mash-up electronic dance songs have given him a meteoric rise to fame and popularity. I’ll give the guy credit; his ability to merge seemingly disparate songs into one cohesive electronic dance song is clever. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s good.

(I tried to listen to some Girl Talk songs while diligently researching this post for the blog, and I found myself abandoning each one in disgust after a couple of minutes. I literally cannot stand that shit. And I know I sound like my old man when I say it gives me a headache, but it does. I like bands and musicians who PLAY INSTRUMENTS AND WRITE THEIR OWN SONGS. And I just fail to see the brilliance in some white dude pushing buttons on his Mac Book and creating “music” that has already been made by OTHER PEOPLE.)

But despite my obvious distaste for and disinterest in Girl Talk, White Chicks LOVE this guy. At least once a week I see a Facebook status update which references Girl Talk in some way: be it an excited post about going to see Girl Talk or posting a photo from the concert the next day (which always features a packed house, so maybe I am alone in my Girl Talk opinions?). It also makes me wonder just how many damn concerts a year this “musician” puts on.

I turned 34 this year and, as they say, with age comes wisdom. Now, I’ll never claim to be a wise man, but I’m also not nearly as dumb as I look or act. But there is one fact of life that I know to be inherently true:

If you can make White Chicks dance, you are home free.

And, the only single, idiot males who go to Girl Talk shows are only doing so in the hopes of hooking up with a White Chick in attendance. Or they're gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.

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White Chick(s) of the Week: Kelli Gilreath and Stacy Holcombe

This week, WWCC once again ventures into unchartered territory with the latest installment of the White Chick of the Week. This week, we double the normal amount of astounding White Chick-dom that is showcased on the WCOTW feature with WWCC’s first set of twins.

Like all idiot men (and I say this in a totally respectful and non-creepy way) there is just something undeniable about twins. So when I received an email from not just one, but two, fabulous White Chicks espousing their love of WWCC and wanting to be featured, I was twice as inclined as I would have previously been to grant their request.

So, without further ado, please welcome the latest and greatest (and up-to-date the most identical) White Chick(s) of the week: Kelli Gilreth and Stacy Holcombe. (In case you have trouble telling them apart, Kelli’s on the left and Stacy’s on the right). The twin sisters have also taken to the Interwebs and blogosphere as “The Single Gal and the Housewife,” follow them on their blog and on Tumblr.

BIO:

Name:

Kelli Gilreath (from here on referred to as KG)

Stacy Holcombe (from here on referred to as SH)

Age:

KG: 27

SH: 27 (11 minutes older than Kelli)

College/Major:

KG: The University of Georgia/English  (Go Dawgs!)

SH: Reinhardt College/ English

Occupation:

KG: Claims Adjuster/Auto Insurance Industry 

SH: I recently quit my glam (insert sarcasm here) Claims Adjustor job to stay home and raise my LWC (Little White Chick aka White Chick In Training).  I mean, behind every great White Chick was a great White Chick Mom.

           

Current City:

KG: Just North of Atlanta.

SH: White Chick Suburb of Atlanta, GA (and 15 min from Kelli obvi).

Hometown:

KG: Grew up on the south side of ATL and left as soon as possible. 

SH: Not So White Chick Suburb of Atlanta, GA.

One Quick Interesting Fact:

KG: My next-door neighbor was legit arrested for murder in December!!!! From what I can gather it appears to be a classic love triangle with the wife trying to get an insurance payout. It's kind of scary but sort of makes me feel like I have a small part in a soap opera.  Neighbor Pete could be like the evil Stefano from “Days of Our Lives.”

SH: I can apply mascara ambidextrously- a secret WC talent.

FAVORITES

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal:

KG:#1 Breakfast Combo with a large unsweet tea.

SH: #1 with an Arnold Palmer

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter:

KG: Dave Matthews

SH: Brad Paisley

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans:

KG: I know everyone has them, but I LOVE Sevens. And Hudsons. And Citizens.  (Let's just say I have a severe addiction to REBJ, K?)

SH: Joes

Boutique Cupcake Flavor:

KG: Wedding Cake

 SH: Candied Sweet Potato

White Chick Flick: 

KG: I am really torn between "Legends of The Fall" because Brad is so delicious and "Four Weddings and A Funeral" because I have a serious affection for cute, smart, and quirky British men (especially the ones with red hair). 

SH: I’m torn between "Legends of The Fall" (Brad never looked better) and "The Lake House". Sandra on her knees at the end, furiously writing Keanu another letter….do I need to say anymore?

Favorite white chick adult beverage:

KG: Pinot Grig or Vodka Soda (VS's for when I am planning a ridiculous Sunday Brunch the next day and need to save calories.)

SH: Gin and Tonic with extra limes

Favorite White Chick Lit:

KG: "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "Vanity Fair".   

SH: “Shopaholic series”, Nora Roberts, “Persuasion” by Jane Austin and “The Age of Innocence” by Edith Wharton

Item of Accoutrement/accessory:

KG: David Yurman (I am for serious on a first name basis with a manager at my local store), my Starbucks Gold Card, and my iPhone.

SH: Louis Vuitton Neverfull GM, Cockpit Ray Bans, Kindle (to read my WC Lit) and my David Yurman.

WCOTW Q&A

It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend. 

SG: Friday night I usually come home to decompress and catch up on DVR because I never watch my shows during the week (I am SHAMEFULLY behind on Gossip Girl).  But, once I wake up refreshed on Saturday morning any of the following could occur: 

-running with Stacy or coffee/errands/shopping/manis

-meeting my fave White Chicks in the city for drinks and general debauchery

-dinner dates  

-some sort of family event 

-brunch 

-watching White Chick flicks or reading White Chick lit

SH: Since the arrival of the LWC I usually enjoy going for a run with Kelli on Saturday morning and hopefully we have a babysitter lined up to do fun things on Saturday night like a Thrashers game or dinner with friends. It’s still a little hard to get my White Chick party on because the LWC currently wakes up at midnight and 3:30 am. The doctor has advised me that she is on the petite side- already throwing her White Chick-ness in my face. Diva baby.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

KG: Anything with the letter "K", Starbucks, and carrying all I would ever need in my ridiculously over-sized handbag if I needed to hop on a plane at any moment for a spur of the moment weekend away (my super fabulous and wealthy suitor would, of course, buy any other clothes I might need upon arrival). And koozies.  Big fan of koozies. 

SH: Shopping, dressing the LWC, manicures, reading the WWCC blog and tailgating SEC style in the fall.

If you could be on any reality show which one would you choose and why?

KG: Stacy and I would make a pretty awesome "Amazing Race" duo.  Loved by viewers AND our competitors.  Let's face it--twins are universal. We might fight but only for like 5 minutes and then we would be totally over it.  Also--we really would win--Stacy is super competitive.  Everyone thinks she is all nice and sweet but there is a predator underneath that pretty smile. You've been warned. 

SH: First off, no respectable White Chick would be caught dead on the Bachelor these days. We can find our own White Boys without ABC’s help.  Kelli and I would be on “The Amazing Race” because we make a great team and we’re cute White Chicks. That should help us in most countries…. and being twins.

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick

KG: I really like cutting the grass.  I also really love watching Top Gear on BBC America--even though I don't really care about cars.  

SH: I enjoy cutting the grass even though my husband refuses to let me do it. I also can’t decorate very well. I have good ideas but have difficulties in putting them together. All White Chicks are supposed to have homes that belong on the pages of Southern Living Magazine, right?

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?

KG: Kelly Rippa, duh.  I was seriously born for her job.  I excel at being cute while acting silly and flirting with older men.  The fact that Mark Consuelos is unbelievably gorg doesn't hurt either.  He would be part of the package, right?

SH: Jessica Biel, she is in such fantastic shape and seems like the ultimate guy’s girl.

Help share What White Chicks Cherish on Facebook and Twitter.

Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

And as always, please click on some ads as each and every click generates a paltry amount of passive income.

Bachelorette Parties

Several years ago, I was in downtown Charleston, heading to meet some friends for a responsible night of binge drinking, when I answered a call from then-girlfriend. Mid-way through our conversation, a group of slightly loud and obviously drunk girls approached me. 

Being the thoughtful guy that I am, I devoted as much attention the phone conversation with then-girlfriend as I could, but I noticed one girl out the group was wearing a silly little veil-headband/tiara combo and a sash that said “Bride to Be.” She also had Lifesavers candies miscellaneously attached to the top she was wearing.

“Hey,” the ringleader of the bunch said (obviously a little tipsy and loud enough for then-girlfriend to overhear, “do you want to suck for a buck?”

Thanks to previous talks with then-girlfriend I knew what the term “suck for a buck” meant and since then-girlfriend overheard the question she asked, “Did those girls just ask you to suck for a buck?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Oh my god, you HAVE to do it,” said then-girlfriend.

And with that I handed the ringleader $5 (I was hoping to get change back, and of course I didn’t) and proceeded to eat one of the Lifesavers off the candy-laden top of the veil-headbanded/Bride to Be sash girl. (Of course since I was out $5, I chose the Lifesaver closest to her breast…sorry, then-girlfriend, but I get my money's worth).

I cite this example not to demonstrate my approachability, totally acceptable and non-creepy perversion or to demonstrate that a fool and his money are soon parted BUT to make another point entirely. Why would a group of celebratory drunk girls approach a stranger and ask for his hard-earned money for the opportunity to put his mouth in close proximity to their friend’s breast (albeit OVER the shirt)? AND why would then-girlfriend of said stranger encourage her then-boyfriend to perform such an act?

The answer is simple: White Chicks Cherish Bachelorette Parties.

Maybe it’s a girl’s weekend at a gorgeous coastal destination (like Charleston, SC for example). Or maybe it’s just a jam-packed night out in whichever city with transportation provided by the Fur Bus. Either way it’s a once in a lifetime chance to get all the BFF’s together, drink heavily, wear pretty outfits and celebrate the impending marriage of that one lucky girl.

White Chick Bachelorette parties may include any/all of the following elements:

• The “Suck for a Buck” or candy necklace gimmick, as referenced in this post’s opening. Essentially it’s a way for White Chicks to finance their night of drinking by letting single men put their mouths all over the Bride to Be. (bonus points if said candies are penis-shaped).

• Dancing to 80’s music at Wet Willie’s (White Chicks already love, love, LOVE 80’s music. But when it is combined with an entire wall full of frozen drink possibilities…OMG, watch out!)

• Penis-shaped everything (comically over-sized glasses, charm necklaces, earrings, the penis straw, etc).

• The crappy fake veil-headband/tiara and “Bride to Be” sash and “Maid of Honor” and “Bridesmaid” buttons (or some other fashionable way to designate each white chick’s role in the upcoming wedding). Don’t forget the colorful feather boas or some item of accoutrement that glows in the dark and/or contains blinking lights.

• Color coordinated outfits (i.e. Bride to Be in white, the bridal party in black).

• The one control freak in the group who has the entire night/weekend’s activities planned, right down to the nano-second. Though she may never appear to outwardly enjoy herself at all during the BP weekend, she actually relishes in the control. Type-A white chicks LOVE this; they can’t get enough of it.

• Obsessive Type-A, super-planner White Chick may or may not have created commemorative t-shirts, coozies and mixed CDs that serve as the soundtrack for the entire bachelorette weekend for each White Chick in attendance. 

• This may be the subject of a completely separate shower (another thing involving weddings that White Chicks are completely consumed with putting on:  linen showers, stock the bar showers, lawn and garden showers, college team colors tailgate accessory showers, etc.) But there may or may not be a lingerie gift shower at the Bachelorette Party. And if so, it is a safe bet there will be at least one purchase for the Bride to Be that contains the words “crotchless” and “edible.” 

• Someone in the group is going to vomit. Like, A LOT. 

• If by some off chance that the Groom to Be’s Bachleor Party is the same weekend and same city (though any White Chick worth her mettle can testify that this is a terrible idea and a huge faux pas) there will be covert, secret-agent-like actions taking place to see “what the boys are up to.” 

• That one girlfriend in the group who is coming off a recent break up and, once supremely over-served, breaks down in tears because she fears she’ll be alone forever. 

• The one girlfriend in the group who is, like, WAY sluttier than everyone else and disappears throughout the night to hook up with that sketchy guy in the bathroom/dark corner booth/outside while “sharing” a cigarette. 

• The one girlfriend in the group who is already married with kids and uses the Bachelorette party as a chance to cram as much partying and freedom into the weekend/night as possible. Of course she ends up getting MEGA-HAMMERED and is subsequently hung over the rest of the time. 

• That one friend who either at dinner, or at some point throughout the night, spills something on her favorite dress…thanks to the irreversible stain, her night/weekend is ruined. 

• Using the excuse “it’s ok, we’re on a Bachelorette Party” to justify dancing on the bar (especially if it’s the one typically shy girl in the group who normally would never do such a thing) or any other type of behavior that is normally not acceptable in public. 

• Someone in the group will suffer an embarrassing drunken stumble and may or may not have a bruise and/or skinned knee/elbow/twisted ankle to show for it the next day. 

• The one cute guy at the bar who thinks he has a real shot to hook up/sleep with the Bride to Be. Umm hello…does he not notice the nearly-a-dozen cute, drunk single girls in attendance? What. A. Creep. 

• Late night dance party/wine drinking/eating a bunch of fattening foods/late night chick flick fest. This is when cute outfits yield to comfy clothes. There will be lots of yoga pants and headbands. And at least one sorority shirt with a quote from a Dave Matthews Band song on the back. (i.e. White Rose Semi-Formal ’03: “Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters”). 

• Cell phone/digital camera pictures of just about every single second of the entire Bachelorette Party weekend. 

• Brunch the next day where recollections of the previous night and cell phone photos of white chicks behaving way outside of their usual white chick comfort zone will be shared and openly discussed. There will also be a miscellaneous bruise comparison and the coveted contest to prove who has the worst hangover. 

• Best. Bachelorette. Party. EVER. (until the next one, at least) 

Mucho thanks to the WWCC Brain Trust for their contributions to/approval for items in this post (you know who you are). And to Ashley Hesseltine for supplying the photo.

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Spring Festival Season

It’s a special time of the year when winter slowly gives way to spring. There’s a sense of rebirth and hope associated with the season, plus it’s always awesome to get home from work at night and it not be pitch-black dark outside.

It’s nearly impossible to peg any season as the “favorite” season for White Chicks. All four of them have their own unique appeal to this truly special and wonderful species. But the magic of spring not only lies in its warm weather and increasing amounts of sunlight per day, it’s also the season’s unique ability to re-introduce the words “…and Arts Festival” into White Chick parlance year after year after year. 

Or maybe it's a Beer Festival. Or a Wine Festival. Bonus points if there's a parade. Double bonus if part of the arts and crafts includes a booth of unique jewelry made out of repurposed something or other.

Regardless of its subject matter, White Chicks Cherish Spring Festival Season and barely need a good reason to dress cute and go drink outside with their BFFs.

Spring Festival Season generally kicks off with St. Patrick’s Day and is quite a heralded time of the year for White Chicks. These glorious events usually take part in certain “cool neighborhoods” in larger cities, public parks/green spaces or perhaps a closed-down Main Street area or a sectioned-off,  walkable and relatively safe retail district. Outdoor Spring Festivals are essentially the exact same thing as Overdressing for College Football Games for White Chicks in that the event(s) involve super-cute outfits and day drinking. Only replace football games with live bands, glorious arts and crafts and handmade jewelry.

Because Festival Season usually begins on the cusp of two seasons, it affords White Chicks the opportunity to merge their favorite forms of fashion from Winter and Spring. There are two ways to view this phenomenon as well: 1) White Chicks are defiantly holding on to their favorite winter clothing items (namely boots and tights). 2) White Chicks are slightly jumping the gun on busting out the preferred items of their spring wardrobe (i.e. sundresses, flip-flops, gladiator sandals, etc.)

(Author’s note: the above paragraph and possibly this entire post may only apply to White Chicks in temperate climates like the Southeast, Gulf Coast, Texas and portions of the West Coast. WWCC would like to extend a heartfelt apology to White Chicks in parts of the country that actually still have to deal with winter weather well into March and early April. Bummer for you. For real. That really must suck.)

Festival Season outfits look like a super cute explosion occurred in a White Chick’s closet right between her winter and spring items. There may be tall boots tucked into ridiculously expensive blue jeans (REBJ). But there may also be sundresses with cowboy boots. Or maybe the REBJs will be rolled the enormous mid-calf cuff and paired with cute sandals. Maybe there’s even a summer scarf (or perhaps a festive boa?) or two involved. And you can bet your ass there will be Oversized Sunglasses, which may or may not get destroyed depending on the rowdiness of said festival.

Another White Chick item that tends to make its debut around Festival Season is the Over-sized Handbag Designed by an Outdoor Clothing Company. Maybe its real name is a “day pack,” or “hiking pack” or “lumbar pack,” but in all actuality it’s an overpriced, glorified fanny pack with additional straps to enable it to double as a purse-like bag with additional storage space for White Chick Festival Season Gear.

From her digital camera to her cell phone to a personalized water bottle to her wallet to her denim jacket (in case the temps get cold later in the day) to a back-up water bottle filled with vodka (just in case), this bag basically does everything an over-sized handbag is capable of doing, but it's designed to better handle the outdoors. And, it will be branded with The North Face, Columbia, REI, Marmot, Mountain Hardwear or Pattagonia logo. Plus, the Over-sized Handbag Designed by an Outdoor Clothing Company gives White Chicks a lot of faux-hippie cred with the jam band world when they carry these bags to outdoor summer concerts by Dave Matthews, Phish or Widespread Panic versus their regular Over Sized Handbags.

But the best part of Festival Season is the word “Season” itself. This is no “one and done” time of the year. If up to date on the goings-on in her given city/geographic region, a well-informed White Chick and her crew of adorable BFFs can easily find at least one outdoor festival per weekend to attend through late May. Possibly even June. And that’s a lot of time for cute outfits, day drinking and general merriment in glorious sunshine-y weather...and of course plenty of photo-ops, because White Chicks love taking pictures of, like, everything they do.

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