Bachelorette Parties

Several years ago, I was in downtown Charleston, heading to meet some friends for a responsible night of binge drinking, when I answered a call from then-girlfriend. Mid-way through our conversation, a group of slightly loud and obviously drunk girls approached me. 

Being the thoughtful guy that I am, I devoted as much attention the phone conversation with then-girlfriend as I could, but I noticed one girl out the group was wearing a silly little veil-headband/tiara combo and a sash that said “Bride to Be.” She also had Lifesavers candies miscellaneously attached to the top she was wearing.

“Hey,” the ringleader of the bunch said (obviously a little tipsy and loud enough for then-girlfriend to overhear, “do you want to suck for a buck?”

Thanks to previous talks with then-girlfriend I knew what the term “suck for a buck” meant and since then-girlfriend overheard the question she asked, “Did those girls just ask you to suck for a buck?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Oh my god, you HAVE to do it,” said then-girlfriend.

And with that I handed the ringleader $5 (I was hoping to get change back, and of course I didn’t) and proceeded to eat one of the Lifesavers off the candy-laden top of the veil-headbanded/Bride to Be sash girl. (Of course since I was out $5, I chose the Lifesaver closest to her breast…sorry, then-girlfriend, but I get my money's worth).

I cite this example not to demonstrate my approachability, totally acceptable and non-creepy perversion or to demonstrate that a fool and his money are soon parted BUT to make another point entirely. Why would a group of celebratory drunk girls approach a stranger and ask for his hard-earned money for the opportunity to put his mouth in close proximity to their friend’s breast (albeit OVER the shirt)? AND why would then-girlfriend of said stranger encourage her then-boyfriend to perform such an act?

The answer is simple: White Chicks Cherish Bachelorette Parties.

Maybe it’s a girl’s weekend at a gorgeous coastal destination (like Charleston, SC for example). Or maybe it’s just a jam-packed night out in whichever city with transportation provided by the Fur Bus. Either way it’s a once in a lifetime chance to get all the BFF’s together, drink heavily, wear pretty outfits and celebrate the impending marriage of that one lucky girl.

White Chick Bachelorette parties may include any/all of the following elements:

• The “Suck for a Buck” or candy necklace gimmick, as referenced in this post’s opening. Essentially it’s a way for White Chicks to finance their night of drinking by letting single men put their mouths all over the Bride to Be. (bonus points if said candies are penis-shaped).

• Dancing to 80’s music at Wet Willie’s (White Chicks already love, love, LOVE 80’s music. But when it is combined with an entire wall full of frozen drink possibilities…OMG, watch out!)

• Penis-shaped everything (comically over-sized glasses, charm necklaces, earrings, the penis straw, etc).

• The crappy fake veil-headband/tiara and “Bride to Be” sash and “Maid of Honor” and “Bridesmaid” buttons (or some other fashionable way to designate each white chick’s role in the upcoming wedding). Don’t forget the colorful feather boas or some item of accoutrement that glows in the dark and/or contains blinking lights.

• Color coordinated outfits (i.e. Bride to Be in white, the bridal party in black).

• The one control freak in the group who has the entire night/weekend’s activities planned, right down to the nano-second. Though she may never appear to outwardly enjoy herself at all during the BP weekend, she actually relishes in the control. Type-A white chicks LOVE this; they can’t get enough of it.

• Obsessive Type-A, super-planner White Chick may or may not have created commemorative t-shirts, coozies and mixed CDs that serve as the soundtrack for the entire bachelorette weekend for each White Chick in attendance. 

• This may be the subject of a completely separate shower (another thing involving weddings that White Chicks are completely consumed with putting on:  linen showers, stock the bar showers, lawn and garden showers, college team colors tailgate accessory showers, etc.) But there may or may not be a lingerie gift shower at the Bachelorette Party. And if so, it is a safe bet there will be at least one purchase for the Bride to Be that contains the words “crotchless” and “edible.” 

• Someone in the group is going to vomit. Like, A LOT. 

• If by some off chance that the Groom to Be’s Bachleor Party is the same weekend and same city (though any White Chick worth her mettle can testify that this is a terrible idea and a huge faux pas) there will be covert, secret-agent-like actions taking place to see “what the boys are up to.” 

• That one girlfriend in the group who is coming off a recent break up and, once supremely over-served, breaks down in tears because she fears she’ll be alone forever. 

• The one girlfriend in the group who is, like, WAY sluttier than everyone else and disappears throughout the night to hook up with that sketchy guy in the bathroom/dark corner booth/outside while “sharing” a cigarette. 

• The one girlfriend in the group who is already married with kids and uses the Bachelorette party as a chance to cram as much partying and freedom into the weekend/night as possible. Of course she ends up getting MEGA-HAMMERED and is subsequently hung over the rest of the time. 

• That one friend who either at dinner, or at some point throughout the night, spills something on her favorite dress…thanks to the irreversible stain, her night/weekend is ruined. 

• Using the excuse “it’s ok, we’re on a Bachelorette Party” to justify dancing on the bar (especially if it’s the one typically shy girl in the group who normally would never do such a thing) or any other type of behavior that is normally not acceptable in public. 

• Someone in the group will suffer an embarrassing drunken stumble and may or may not have a bruise and/or skinned knee/elbow/twisted ankle to show for it the next day. 

• The one cute guy at the bar who thinks he has a real shot to hook up/sleep with the Bride to Be. Umm hello…does he not notice the nearly-a-dozen cute, drunk single girls in attendance? What. A. Creep. 

• Late night dance party/wine drinking/eating a bunch of fattening foods/late night chick flick fest. This is when cute outfits yield to comfy clothes. There will be lots of yoga pants and headbands. And at least one sorority shirt with a quote from a Dave Matthews Band song on the back. (i.e. White Rose Semi-Formal ’03: “Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters”). 

• Cell phone/digital camera pictures of just about every single second of the entire Bachelorette Party weekend. 

• Brunch the next day where recollections of the previous night and cell phone photos of white chicks behaving way outside of their usual white chick comfort zone will be shared and openly discussed. There will also be a miscellaneous bruise comparison and the coveted contest to prove who has the worst hangover. 

• Best. Bachelorette. Party. EVER. (until the next one, at least) 

Mucho thanks to the WWCC Brain Trust for their contributions to/approval for items in this post (you know who you are). And to Ashley Hesseltine for supplying the photo.

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