The Oscars

Ahh…awards season. Is there a better time of year for self-aggrandizing, nationally televised embarrassment and fabulous dresses? Hell no there isn’t.

As humans, we’re all a little bit guilty of peering into the world of celebrities with slightly jealous eyes. They’re generally gorgeous, wealthy, talented and sublimely well informed when it comes to having relevant opinions on political and world matters, so it’s only natural to be envious of Hollywood A-listers.

At no other time of the year is this envy more palpable than The Academy Awards. For months the build up grows and grows–there are even a whole slew of less important awards shows that exist solely to serve as Oscar appetizers. And the relentless coverage is nearly impossible to escape–from legit news sources to grocery store gossip rags to entire television networks devoted to shoveling star worship down our throats.

There are hundreds of reasons why White Chicks Cherish The Oscars. Nearly every white chick, at some point in their lives, has dreamed of being dressed like a princess and being the center of the world’s attention. So there’s a sense of yearning that can be associated with viewing the Academy Awards. There’s also the genuine feeling of empathy­–of seeing a truly thankful actor, utterly bewildered in their moment of spotlight, offering their heartfelt and sincere acceptance speeches. (bonus points if said speech can make a white chick cry).

But let’s face it, White Chicks can be a horrifically mean and catty bunch. Particularly when they are in groups and there’s booze AND other women dressed in clothes involved. And I’m not saying all white chicks are guilty of this, but some white chicks may watch The Oscars with their girlfriends and snacks and plenty of wine for the sole purpose of venting.

And in the spirit of the uncanny ability of white chicks to deliver snarky and scathing commentary whilst watching the Oscars with their bffs, WWCC wanted to tip its hat to white chicks everywhere by offering its own take on last night's Oscars.

(I will make a half-assed pre-emptive apology for the mean-spirited tone of most of, ok...ALL, the proceeding comments. But if there is one group of people who need a healthy dose of negative vitriol it’s the overpaid bunch of self-absorbed, self-important and self-congratulatory whackos that make up Hollywood).

--It’s hard not to like Anne Hathaway, but she tried too hard last night. Granted she was basically forced to carry James Franco’s dead co-hosting weight. So is that really her fault? Maybe she should have changed outfits a few more times?

--I’ve enjoyed James Franco in most of the movies I’ve seen him in, but an engaging Oscar co-host HE IS NOT. When you’re charismatically upstaged by Kirk Douglas (who is at least 137 years old and the victim of no less than three strokes) maybe it’s time to think about your stage presence/persona.

--How sad is it that the Oscars play that awful music to cut people off during their acceptance speeches? I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for these people to thank their family, colleagues and loved ones for a life of hard work that culminates in this ONE brief moment in time –and they have a time limit?!? Granted this happens more so with the awards no one cares about (sound editing, foreign films, costumery, etc.) but if the Oscars are so concerned with time, why not get rid of all the useless bullshit from the show: the horrid auto-tune/mash-up of created songs from awful movies, Gwynneth Paltrow singing and/or James Franco in a dress.

--Seriously, Gwynneth Paltrow should NOT be allowed to sing in public. Not all actors can sing. Not all singers can act. The entertainment industry MUST come to this realization. The sooner the better. Plus, she looks uber-constipated when she sings...not the best look for her.

--How, why and when did Kelly Osbourne become a definitive voice in contemporary fashion? Isn’t being Ozzy Osbourne’s pudgy and annoying daughter the only career path she’s qualified for?

--I have nothing but respect for Joan Rivers long career and sense of humor, but I hardly feel like a 100-year-old heap of plastic surgery is in any position to comment on fashion. And don’t get me started on the hermaphroditic freak of nature (and heap of plastic surgery) Stephen Cojocaru. Call me a jerk but aside from “The Soup” every show, every person and every thing on the E! Network is complete and total brain cell-destroying horseshit.

--ALL white chicks absolutely love every little thing about Cate Blanchett. Michelle Williams is quickly gaining ground, though. Go ahead and add Sandra Bullock to this list for good measure (though I wonder if her universal white chick love would be the same if her scumbag husband didn’t cheat on her with that tattooed skank?)

--Jennifer Hudson is literally half the performer she once was.

--One of the highlights of last night–not seeing a Kardashian.

--Scarlett Johansen is easily one of the most attractive women on the planet, but how did she forget to brush her hair for the Oscars?

--Really? Erin Andrews at the Oscars? WTF…shouldn’t you have to have some sort of marketable talent to at least receive an invitation to the Academy Awards?

--Looks like it will take more than an Oscar nomination and a reference by Justin Timberlake to make Banksy a more credible pop culture reference.

--Was anyone else hoping when Billy Crystal came on stage last night that he got some sort of “relief host” signal from the Oscars’ producers? Like he was called in from the bullpen for the save?

--Hey, Natalie Portman, we all know you’re pregnant. You don’t have to mention it, like, ALL the time in, like, EVERY speech or interview you give. (Author's note: this is spurned by jealousy of the fact that Portman's child is not mine).

-- Not counting the children in the PS22 Chorus, but 1/3 of the black people they showed on the Oscars last night were dead–between Halle Berry, Oprah and Lena Horne.

--We get it, Jesse Eisenberg, you’re such a rebel because it’s 2011, you’re an Oscar-nominated actor and yet you don’t own a TV or have a Facebook page. Perhaps if you owned and frequently used these modern marvels of communication, you’d be a little less socially awkward and painful to watch in interviews.

--Reese Witherspoon is a super cutie, BUT not last night. It looked like her stylist stole her hair do from My Little Pony.

--Is it me or do Keith Urban and Billy Ray Cyrus look almost exactly the same?

--Melissa Leo’s f-bomb during her acceptance speech last night may very well have been the only genuine moment of the night.

--Why the Corey Haim snub in the “In Memoriam” tribute last night? Come on, he was brilliant in “Lucas,” “License to Drive,” and “The Lost Boys.” For shame, Hollywood. For Shame.

--Really?!? Scientologists can't get any love at the Oscars anymore?!?

--Portraying a character with mental issues (Natalie Portman), substance abuse problems (Christian Bale) or slight handicaps (Colin Firth) will ALWAYS equate to an Oscar win.

--I could die a happy man if I don’t ever have to see or hear Celine Dion again.

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