Belts as Fashion Accessories

A majority of the subject matter for WWCC is based around things white girls do, own, or wear that, as cute and appealing as they may be, make very little common sense to me as a single idiot male. Take belts for example. I own three—a black dress belt for my dark grey suit, a brown dress belt for my brown suit and respectable dress pants and a utilitarian brown belt that is worn with everything else. I have no idea how many belts a typical white chick owns, but I would venture to guess that is at least a dozen or so more than three, because White Chicks Cherish Belts as Fashion Accessories.

Most men have a fairly solid understanding for the function of belts. Together with belt loops, belts serve the completely sensible purpose of keeping one’s pants on and in place. And this is why Belts as Fashion Accessories make absolutely no sense to the single idiot male—they serve no functional purpose other than to say “Hey look at me, I’m a belt on a cute white chick and I serve no functional purpose on this outfit. But I see you looking at me.”

But If I am certain of anything, it is that white chicks are partial to form over function—always.

I think it’s safe to say that a majority of clothing items preferred by white chicks, other than the ubiquitous ridiculously expensive jeans, are not even manufactured with belt loops. Yet it is commonplace for white chicks to wear Belts as Fashion Accessories with sweaters, dresses, and fashionable tops—articles of clothing that are perfectly capable of staying on and in place as a credit to their own design, sans belt. And there seems to be no guiding principle as to the style of said belt, they can be thin and sleek or wide and chunky and come in varying shapes and materials. It all depends on the outfit and the white chick’s preferences.

Even though I am a devout heterosexual single, idiot male, I have seen enough episodes of “What Not to Wear” to offer a somewhat logical explanation of the value of Belts as Fashion Accessories from a white chick’s perspective. According to Stacy and Clinton, it’s a wise fashion move for white chicks to draw attention to the slimmest part of their body, which is usually the waist (and in the case of Belts as Fashion accessories the waist can be located anywhere from the hips to just under the breasts). And Belts as Fashion Accessories do indeed serve this purpose as they can create the appearance of an hourglass figure, make an outfit really pop and indeed capture attention (even if the attention from a male’s point of view is “why do you need to wear a belt with that sweater/dress/fashionable top?”).

There are only two instances in which single, idiot males can relate to Belts as Fashion Accessories:

The first is karate. I quit taking karate lessons as a child shortly after receiving my uniform or “gi” (this was at the peak in popularity of the true original “Karate Kid” movie in the 80s and I had a relatively short attention span as a child). I know for a fact that a “gi” can in fact stay on without the presence of a belt thanks to unseen tie-strings and generally are not manufactured with belt loops. But as we all know, karate belts serve a higher function as their color specifically relates to one’s mastery of the honored martial art form.

The second form of Belts as Fashion Accessories men can relate to are the too-long-braided-leather belts—and most men have all have worn one at some regrettable point in our lives. These belts feature an additional phallic-like length of six to ten inches of superfluous belt men let fashionably (at least in their mind) dangle. And although they still serve a logical purpose of keeping one’s acid-washed jeans or double-pleated Dockers khaki pants in place, the too-long-braided-leather belts are as close to Belts as Fashion Accessories as a single, idiot male would ever get.

It’s mostly a dead fad, but any guy that still willingly wears a too-long-braided-leather belt in such a way these days is likely the type of guy who holsters his cell phone on his hip, wears visors at night, listens to bands like Nickelback and is solely responsible for helping movie franchises like the “Fast and Furious” inexplicably churn out sequel after sequel.

And these douchebags should be avoided at all costs.

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