Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Various Monogrammed Items

It's a competitive world out there for white chicks in our capitalist society. A white girl can barely turn a corner without being confronted with new and improved upon ways to enhance their overall adorable-ness. From the latest cut of ridiculously expensive blue jeans to the quest for finding an even more gigantic hand bag to the search for that one pair of funky but SO cute sneakers all white chicks own—it’s a non-stop hustle to out-cute the competition. And the competition is everywhere. And it looks fantastic.

It can be hard to stand out amidst the throngs of cute white chicks, and white girls do yearn to be unique in their own special way. But there is one thing all white chicks have that is truly their own. Something truly special and unique unto them and them alone. Something that will never change—until they get married and decide to take a new initial.

White chicks cherish Various Monogrammed Items.

It’s an assured fact any white chick you know owns at least one Various Monogrammed Item. It’s a safe bet that the overall aesthetic impact of her current monogram AND future Various Monogrammed Item collection are both given profound thought anytime a relationship with a single idiot male becomes remotely serious. And it may be a gamble, but the odds are worth playing that several white chicks may even know another white chick or white chick mom that makes her own line of Various Monogrammed Items and peddles the wares as a for-fun-side-project.

Taken at face value, Various Monogrammed Items are nothing more than a seemingly random and endless collection of retail items adorned with a white chick’s initials. But it’s way more important than that to white chicks.

Various Monogrammed Items are white chicks' ways of saying to the world:

“THIS IS MY wallet, over sized beach tote bag, bath towels, matching hand towels, sunglasses case, any item ever purchased from L.L. Bean, monogrammed pendant necklace, matching monogrammed pendant earrings, overnight bag, wine glasses, wine stoppers, set of high thread count bed sheets, tissue box cozy, monogrammed-decorated cooler that was a 21st birthday gift from my sorority sisters, pastel colored set of beer can koozies, beach towels, make up bag that was a bridesmaid gift, baseball cap I never wear, sterling silver ring that completes the pendant/earring set, welcome mat, gym bag, luggage set that was a college graduation gift, cutting board, cheese plate, matching cheese cutter, highball glasses, bracelet that was another bridesmaid's gift, first communion dress, hand-knitted blanket, hand-knitted sweater, reusable shopping bag, reusable water bottle, champagne flutes, apron, shower curtain, grandmother's broach that I inherited because I was purposely given the same initials as her, key-chain, mouse pad, stainless steel coffee travel mug, slippers that were also a bridesmaid's gift, calligraphy car decal, glass jar I keep Q-tips in, monogrammed thong panties from my stupid ex-boyfriend, set of shot glasses, decorative soap dish with monogrammed soaps that are for decoration only, reusable lunch bag, lap top computer case, stationery set, flower pot, jewelry box, summer scarf, monogrammed flip-flops I haven't worn since all the bridesmaid's got them as wedding gifts and danced to 80s music at the reception in them, bath robe, throw pillows in my college's team colors, business card holder, umbrella, keepsake photo box, monogrammed coaster set, deck of playing cards and smart phone case.


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  1. absolutely hilarious and completely true. thank you for making me laugh out loud many times throughout this post....especially all the "bridesmaid gift" references. so accurate.

  2. This blog kills me. I love. I am here to tell you that "it's a non stop hustle to out-cute the competition. And the competition is everywhere. And it looks fabulous" made me belly laugh.

  3. Confession: I am a monogrammed-jewelry-peddling white chick. How are you so right about everything? I bet you are secretly a white chick.

  4. and that is why i own a monogramming business.... owned by a white chick :-)

  5. I love this one. I've started teaching my daughter early to follow in my footsteps as a white chick by making sure she has at least a couple pieces of jewelry and bags that are monogrammed.

  6. Did you not know? The monogram is necessary in your college/post-grad mid-twenties. It stems from wearing your sorority letters on the above-mentioned items in school, and is a direct precursor to your PTO-mom, suburban fabulous future. This a fact.

    UT KKG mom of three with a monogram on my mini-van

  7. My friend has her ridiculously expensive blue jeans monogramed. No joke.