Friday, April 15, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Taryn Reinagel

Perhaps those most greatly affected by your humble author’s blog laziness, are the WCOTW candidates. It’s mind-blowing for me to think that there is currently about a month long waiting list for White Chicks to appear on the blog.

And of course when I thoughtlessly go, like, an entire week without making any entries, it just prolongs what surely must be an interminable wait. So along with my gratitude for being a truly splendid specimen of White Chickdom, I’d also like to commend this week’s WCOTW for being extremely patient.

Ladies and gentleman, it’s a pleasure to introduce Taryn Reinagel. Visit her on Tumblr.

BIO

Age: 23
College/Major: Special Education at Georgia College & State University
Occupation: Student/Teacher
Current City: Milledgeville, GA-better known for frequent Ben Roethlisberger visits.
Hometown: Woodstock, GA
One Quick Interesting Fact: Although thought to be impossible, I can lick my elbow!

TARYN’S FAVORITES:

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: #5 Spicy Chicken Sandwich Deluxe, fries & Chickfila sauce with a real Coke (real Coke at Chick Fil A has some form of liquid crack in it) I throw all health concerns out the window, but Chickfila isn’t fast food, y’all!
Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Jewel, Alanis, & Sheryl The gang is always essential!
Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: Citizens of Humanity
Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Key Lime
White Chick Flick: “Serendipity”-I’m convinced that will be my life…one day.
Favorite white chick adult beverage: Anything tequila. Definitely, tequila.
Favorite White Chick Lit: My book list isn’t too extensive, but “The Cat in the Hat,” “The Grouchy Ladybug, & “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” are daily readings…
Item of Accoutrement/accessories: Statement rings & oversized, slouchy bags

WCOTW Q&A

When did you first realize you were a white chick? 
Well, there has actually been some debate on my official white chick status because I’m extremely tan, but I guess it had to be when I won best dressed in 5th grade. A very proud moment for my mother who still brings it up to this day.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?
As a white chick, I definitely cherish my iPhone. And I am obsessed with painting my nails. I love a cardigan and have collected them in alarming numbers. Sometimes I feel materialistic and feel sad, but then I look at my things and feel happy because I cherish being a WC. Somebody has to do it!

If you could be the contestant on any reality show (think The Bachelor, Top Chef, Project Runway, The Amazing Race, etc.) which one would you choose and why?
Hands down, no doubt about it, The Bachelor. My life motto is “I <3 love” so The Bachelor would be perfect! My only problem is I love to make friends, and I think I would focus on becoming BGF’s with the other girls. Plus it is blatantly obvious that those girls are constantly day drunk and get to go to tropical locations like three dates in, and that is just a win all around. My friends tell me on a daily basis I need to be on it-they’ve even gone as far as nominating me for such an honor!

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?
I need to be on TV. It’s a life goal of mine, but sadly I would be a horrible actress! I would obviously go on Ellen (who is well on her way to being the new Oprah). Because 1) You get to dance 2) Ellen is hilarious 3) Did you SEE the Dennis Quaid skit? 4) She gives away free things 5) You get to dance. Ideally, I would be on Ellen because of The Bachelor/Bachelorette outcome!

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick.
Sometimes I want to throw my cardigans and caution to the wind and become a red neck. As in cowboy boots wearing (in a nonironic, trendy way), redneck games playing, real country music on the radio redneck. But, my friends won’t let me. Once, I made a detailed list of reasons I want/need to become a redneck. *I secretly hide that list & often add to it when I think of great idea!

Help share What White Chicks Cherish on Facebook and Twitter.

Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

And as always, please click on some ads!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Pretending to be Princesses

Dearest reader,

At some point I realize my apologies for the lack of recent posts may fall on deaf ears. Contrary to popular belief, I was raised right by two loving parents and not a pack of ill-mannered wolves. I should know better than keep a lady waiting, but I am quite lazy sometimes. And it pains me to think that I have caused undeserved frustration to a species of creature I find so entirely fascinating. As if White Chicks didn't have it rough enough already.

In case you need yet another reason to fully grasp just exactly why being a White Chick may be one of those most difficult things on the planet to do, consider this fact:  White Chicks are born into this world as "Daddy's Little Princess." They grow up singing along with Disney-conjured, animated princesses and schlep around the house in their mother's high heels and most sparkly jewelry. They may even receive officially licensed Disney-conjured princess gear for holidays and birthdays. And of course they will have a tiara, one all their own, that will make them feel immensely special and beautiful.

It's because White Chicks Cherish Pretending to Be Princesses.

But then, White Chicks have to grow up and enter the cruel, unforgiving world. From day one of public school a quarter-lifelong struggle begins, against bff and foe alike, to earn the lofty title of princess of the class, the grade, the high school, the sorority and the job. White Chickdom is a non-stop hustle, one that I can barely fathom, let alone write blogs about.

As they grow up and enter middle- and high-school, they realize that playing pretend is an activity best reserved for drama club weirdos or those freaks that play Magic the Gathering. A White Chick's chances to Pretend to be a Princess grow fewer and farther between–save for the occasional school sponsored beauty pageant, homecoming event or of course the end-all, be-all of big days for high school White Chicks...The Prom.

If they choose to rush a sorority in college (they most likely choose to, trust me) they'll get a few more opportunities to play princess dress up. But sorority and fraternity semi-formals are really just a destination high school prom with binge drinking and a souvenir t-shirts featuring a Dave Matthews Band lyric on the back.

And Pretending to be a Princess is very likely a reason why White Chicks make such a gigantic, obsessive-compulsive fuss over weddings. Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is a HUGE deal and a lifelong union of two souls, BUT there's also a lot of single White Chicks out there with an unhealthy collection of bridal mags...just sayin. And they're just plotting and planning their perfect wedding in their minds at all time. Now, if the preceding text sounds a little too cynical and bitter, I will add that there is truly nothing more beautiful than a White Chick bride on her wedding day.

After all, it's their official day to be a princess...as an adult...in front of the eyes of God, her family and virtually everyone she has ever known. Plus, depending on a White Chick's preference for bridal opulence, she may even get to wear a sparkly tiara. Because on this day, she is truly a princess.

You can also bet your ass that Pretending to be a Princess is the exact reason that many White Chicks reading this very post will not only DVR and watch repeatedly, but also purchase at least three commemorative magazines about the upcoming Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton.

 
Keep up with WWCC on Facebook and Twitter.

And if you've gotten this far, why not click an add and help generate some passive income for WWCC’s humble author? Please?

Friday, April 1, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Brooke Wenth

It’s always a sincere pleasure receiving emails from folks nominating either a BFF or themselves to be White Chick of the Week. But I also take a lot of pride when I hand pick a WCOTW out of my own circle of friends. Not only is it reassuring to know I associate with such quality people, but it’s a huge ego boost to think someone worthy of WCOTW status would choose to associate with me.

I met this week’s WCOTW a little over a year ago through some mutual friends in Atlanta. We had a large group congregating for some backyard tailgating on July 4th before we all shipped off to go see Phish perform that night. There was a small group of folks circled up, eating delicious grilled items and sipping cold beers, and I was discussing an idea I had for a new blog endeavor–a comical (hopefully it’s funny? It’s funny, right?) take on the wonderful wealth of things that White Chicks are particularly fond of. She seemed enthused, offered a view suggestions of her own and helped approve of a few topics I already had in mind. So it’s cool to think she was a supporter of WWCC before it was even officially in existence, and I cannot thank her (or even you, dearest reader) enough for supporting the blog.

So along with being a fabulously radical White Chick (which, of course, is the top prerequisite of being bestowed such an honor) she also was present at the conception of my half-witted idea that would eventually turn into What White Chicks Cherish. As always, it’s an esteemed pleasure to introduce this week’s White Chick of the Week. Dear readers, you are now extremely privileged to meet Brooke Wenth. (Feel free to give her some Twitter love @bKwenth

BIO

Age: 32
College/Major: Savannah College of Art & Design / Photography
Occupation: Studio Manager
Current City: NYC
Hometown: Decatur, Alabama
One Quick Interesting Fact About Brooke: I hiccup at least once a day .. everyday. It is usually just one singular hiccup every single day. 

BROOKE’S FAVORITES

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: Living in NYC I miss out on Chick-Fil-A ... it's definitely a "hole in my heart" situation. Whenever I head South, getting my chicken nugget fix is a must but since I don't get to go that often, i couldn't begin to tell you which combo meal it is but it's definitely the chicken nugget one with an iced tea or if I'm living dangerously, a Dr. Pepper!

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Ryan Adams .. though I think he could fall in the threatening category

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: The ridiculously expensive jeans is where I might fall short in my white chick status .. lately I've been wearing American Eagle. Considering how much I spend on concerts & fancy dinners, this is probably a good thing.

Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Pistachio & Red Velvet

White Chick Flick: Devil Wears Prada .. this is my go-to movie when in any sort of bad mood.

Favorite white chick adult beverage: BOURBON

Favorite White Chick Lit: I love to read, it's the perfect way to pass time on the subway. I am currently reading Les Miserable but a favorite is the travel essay genre, particularly ones written by women. Check out Tales of a Female Nomad for a good white chick read.

Item of Accoutrement/accessorie: Nectarine Blossom & Honey Cologne from Jo Malone .. divine!!

WCOTW Q&A

When did you first realize you were a white chick?
It definitely has to be 1990 when I formed a babysitters club (a la the books). The first phone call at our very first meeting was from the postmaster telling me it was illegal to put fliers in people's mailboxes, d'oh!!

It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend.
A fabulous cocktail-filled dinner followed by a concert at one of NYC's many clubs. On any given night there is a handful of awesome bands to check out.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?
Shoes!!! I think being a White Chick gives license to wear the most ridiculous shoes and I definitely wear my share. A current favorite is Jeffrey Campbell. Living in NYC though makes it hard, I generally walk everywhere I go and any given night out can result in a few miles. Ensuring a Ridiculous Shoe Success requires knowing what platform to heel ratio works for you. It can be done!!

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?
I'd definitely pick Oprah .. or as I call her, Oprah Girlfriend. My celebrity status would definitely have come from creating a media empire .. complete with magazines, an advertising agency and maybe a record label.

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick.
I generally dislike monograms. Why does everyone need to know that my initials are BMW?

Are you a Twilight fan despite being a full grown adult? Why?
I confess that I inhaled the books .. every good white chick loves a guilty pleasure. The movies though, not so much. More so than Twilight, I love the Sookie Stackhouse books. They are Twilight with a hefty dose of smut.



Help share What White Chicks Cherish on Facebook and Twitter.

Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

And as always, please click on some ads!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Girl Talk

For those of you who may not know, I spent about seven years of my life as a freelance writer covering music for a few regional papers and publications. Along with being woefully underpaid, the job afforded me the luxury or free tickets and near-limitless “plus-ones,” and the chance to interview some of my personal heroes in music. And I am have no qualms in saying that period of “professional journalism” in my 20s combined with an adolescence of locking myself in my bedroom devouring albums until I knew every nuance of every song and being best friends with like-minded music fiends throughout my life have turned me into a music snob.

Not that I wasn’t a music snob before my stint in woefully underpaid freelance writing, but I am certain that time of my life as a paid professional ALLOWS me to be a music snob.

But music snob single-idiot males and “music snob” White Chicks hardly share the same definition of music snobbery.

Now, I personally know several White Chicks whom I consider to be music enthusiasts­–dare I say “music snobs.” Yes, they own iPods chock full of bands that are far off the pop culture radar AND spend much of their yearly paid time off and disposable income on attending concerts by such bands. But they aren’t really “music snobs” in the grand scheme of things.

I think it’s impossible for White Chicks to be TRUE music snobs.

Sure, White Chick, you may have been to X number of concerts by jam bands like Phish, the Dave Matthews Band or Widespread Panic, but don’t you also own Madonna’s Greatest Hits?  Yes, I know you were deeply offended when a band you discovered (i.e. the Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons) all of a sudden hit it big and now, like, every one likes them, but don’t you still spin The Backstreet Boys on occasion? (Author’s side note, I am still not entirely convinced that Mumford and Sons and the Avett Brothers are not the same band).

Yeah, White Chick, I know you listen to at least one indie band with the name of an animal in its title (i.e. Fox, Bear or Deer), but don’t you watch “Glee” and “American Idol” religiously? And I know you felt super cool for knowing who on Earth The Arcade Fire were BEFORE this year’s Grammy Awards, but didn’t you buy Britney Spear’s new album the day it came out?

Now, I am sure I seem like a grumpy-old curmudgeon by disparaging popular music, and that’s fine. I’ll freely admit to thinking that roughly 97% of today’s “pop” music is inane, formulaic drivel. And I certainly don’t intend to rain on anyone’s parade with my musical opinions. I like what I like and vehemently dislike what I dislike. It’s who I am and it’s way too late in life to change that. (Sorry. Not sorry…as the White Chicks like to say).

But despite a White Chick’s self-professed level of music knowledge or music snobbery, it’s an inevitable fact that White Chicks will dig nearly any type of music made by nearly any type of “artist” simply because:

  • It’s fun to sing along to in the car/road trip with the BFFs
  • They can blast it while they clean their house in sweatpants
  • It’s great for working out
  • It makes them dance.
And I’m convinced these are reasons why White Chicks Cherish Girl Talk.

For those unfamiliar, Girl Talk is the stage name of one Greg Gillis, whose mash-up electronic dance songs have given him a meteoric rise to fame and popularity. I’ll give the guy credit; his ability to merge seemingly disparate songs into one cohesive electronic dance song is clever. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s good.

(I tried to listen to some Girl Talk songs while diligently researching this post for the blog, and I found myself abandoning each one in disgust after a couple of minutes. I literally cannot stand that shit. And I know I sound like my old man when I say it gives me a headache, but it does. I like bands and musicians who PLAY INSTRUMENTS AND WRITE THEIR OWN SONGS. And I just fail to see the brilliance in some white dude pushing buttons on his Mac Book and creating “music” that has already been made by OTHER PEOPLE.)

But despite my obvious distaste for and disinterest in Girl Talk, White Chicks LOVE this guy. At least once a week I see a Facebook status update which references Girl Talk in some way: be it an excited post about going to see Girl Talk or posting a photo from the concert the next day (which always features a packed house, so maybe I am alone in my Girl Talk opinions?). It also makes me wonder just how many damn concerts a year this “musician” puts on.

I turned 34 this year and, as they say, with age comes wisdom. Now, I’ll never claim to be a wise man, but I’m also not nearly as dumb as I look or act. But there is one fact of life that I know to be inherently true:

If you can make White Chicks dance, you are home free.

And, the only single, idiot males who go to Girl Talk shows are only doing so in the hopes of hooking up with a White Chick in attendance. Or they're gay...not that there's anything wrong with that.



Keep up with WWCC on Facebook and Twitter.

And if you've gotten this far, why not click an add and help generate some passive income for WWCC’s humble author? Please?



Wednesday, March 23, 2011

White Chick(s) of the Week: Kelli Gilreath and Stacy Holcombe

This week, WWCC once again ventures into unchartered territory with the latest installment of the White Chick of the Week. This week, we double the normal amount of astounding White Chick-dom that is showcased on the WCOTW feature with WWCC’s first set of twins.

Like all idiot men (and I say this in a totally respectful and non-creepy way) there is just something undeniable about twins. So when I received an email from not just one, but two, fabulous White Chicks espousing their love of WWCC and wanting to be featured, I was twice as inclined as I would have previously been to grant their request.

So, without further ado, please welcome the latest and greatest (and up-to-date the most identical) White Chick(s) of the week: Kelli Gilreth and Stacy Holcombe. (In case you have trouble telling them apart, Kelli’s on the left and Stacy’s on the right). The twin sisters have also taken to the Interwebs and blogosphere as “The Single Gal and the Housewife,” follow them on their blog and on Tumblr.


BIO:

Name:
Kelli Gilreath (from here on referred to as KG)
Stacy Holcombe (from here on referred to as SH)

Age:
KG: 27
SH: 27 (11 minutes older than Kelli)

College/Major:
KG: The University of Georgia/English  (Go Dawgs!)
SH: Reinhardt College/ English

Occupation:
KG: Claims Adjuster/Auto Insurance Industry 
SH: I recently quit my glam (insert sarcasm here) Claims Adjustor job to stay home and raise my LWC (Little White Chick aka White Chick In Training).  I mean, behind every great White Chick was a great White Chick Mom.
           
Current City:
KG: Just North of Atlanta.
SH: White Chick Suburb of Atlanta, GA (and 15 min from Kelli obvi).

Hometown:
KG: Grew up on the south side of ATL and left as soon as possible. 
SH: Not So White Chick Suburb of Atlanta, GA.

One Quick Interesting Fact:
KG: My next-door neighbor was legit arrested for murder in December!!!! From what I can gather it appears to be a classic love triangle with the wife trying to get an insurance payout. It's kind of scary but sort of makes me feel like I have a small part in a soap opera.  Neighbor Pete could be like the evil Stefano from “Days of Our Lives.
SH: I can apply mascara ambidextrously- a secret WC talent.

FAVORITES

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal:
KG:#1 Breakfast Combo with a large unsweet tea.
SH: #1 with an Arnold Palmer

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter:
KG: Dave Matthews
SH: Brad Paisley

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans:
KG: I know everyone has them, but I LOVE Sevens. And Hudsons. And Citizens.  (Let's just say I have a severe addiction to REBJ, K?)
SH: Joes

Boutique Cupcake Flavor:
KG: Wedding Cake
 SH: Candied Sweet Potato

White Chick Flick: 
KG: I am really torn between "Legends of The Fall" because Brad is so delicious and "Four Weddings and A Funeral" because I have a serious affection for cute, smart, and quirky British men (especially the ones with red hair). 
SH: I’m torn between "Legends of The Fall" (Brad never looked better) and "The Lake House". Sandra on her knees at the end, furiously writing Keanu another letter….do I need to say anymore?

Favorite white chick adult beverage:
KG: Pinot Grig or Vodka Soda (VS's for when I am planning a ridiculous Sunday Brunch the next day and need to save calories.)
SH: Gin and Tonic with extra limes

Favorite White Chick Lit:
KG: "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "Vanity Fair".   
SH: “Shopaholic series”, Nora Roberts, “Persuasion” by Jane Austin and “The Age of Innocence” by Edith Wharton

Item of Accoutrement/accessory:
KG: David Yurman (I am for serious on a first name basis with a manager at my local store), my Starbucks Gold Card, and my iPhone.
SH: Louis Vuitton Neverfull GM, Cockpit Ray Bans, Kindle (to read my WC Lit) and my David Yurman.

WCOTW Q&A

It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend
SG: Friday night I usually come home to decompress and catch up on DVR because I never watch my shows during the week (I am SHAMEFULLY behind on Gossip Girl).  But, once I wake up refreshed on Saturday morning any of the following could occur: 

-running with Stacy or coffee/errands/shopping/manis
-meeting my fave White Chicks in the city for drinks and general debauchery
-dinner dates  
-some sort of family event 
-brunch 
-watching White Chick flicks or reading White Chick lit

SH: Since the arrival of the LWC I usually enjoy going for a run with Kelli on Saturday morning and hopefully we have a babysitter lined up to do fun things on Saturday night like a Thrashers game or dinner with friends. It’s still a little hard to get my White Chick party on because the LWC currently wakes up at midnight and 3:30 am. The doctor has advised me that she is on the petite side- already throwing her White Chick-ness in my face. Diva baby.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?
KG: Anything with the letter "K", Starbucks, and carrying all I would ever need in my ridiculously over-sized handbag if I needed to hop on a plane at any moment for a spur of the moment weekend away (my super fabulous and wealthy suitor would, of course, buy any other clothes I might need upon arrival). And koozies.  Big fan of koozies. 

SH: Shopping, dressing the LWC, manicures, reading the WWCC blog and tailgating SEC style in the fall.

If you could be on any reality show which one would you choose and why?
KG: Stacy and I would make a pretty awesome "Amazing Race" duo.  Loved by viewers AND our competitors.  Let's face it--twins are universal. We might fight but only for like 5 minutes and then we would be totally over it.  Also--we really would win--Stacy is super competitive.  Everyone thinks she is all nice and sweet but there is a predator underneath that pretty smile. You've been warned. 

SH: First off, no respectable White Chick would be caught dead on the Bachelor these days. We can find our own White Boys without ABC’s help.  Kelli and I would be on “The Amazing Race” because we make a great team and we’re cute White Chicks. That should help us in most countries…. and being twins.

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick
KG: I really like cutting the grass.  I also really love watching Top Gear on BBC America--even though I don't really care about cars.  

SH: I enjoy cutting the grass even though my husband refuses to let me do it. I also can’t decorate very well. I have good ideas but have difficulties in putting them together. All White Chicks are supposed to have homes that belong on the pages of Southern Living Magazine, right?

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?
KG: Kelly Rippa, duh.  I was seriously born for her job.  I excel at being cute while acting silly and flirting with older men.  The fact that Mark Consuelos is unbelievably gorg doesn't hurt either.  He would be part of the package, right?

SH: Jessica Biel, she is in such fantastic shape and seems like the ultimate guy’s girl.


Help share What White Chicks Cherish on Facebook and Twitter.

Feel free to nominate yourself or any outstanding White Chicks you may know for WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

And as always, please click on some ads as each and every click generates a paltry amount of passive income.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bachelorette Parties


Several years ago, I was in downtown Charleston, heading to meet some friends for a responsible night of binge drinking, when I answered a call from then-girlfriend. Mid-way through our conversation, a group of slightly loud and obviously drunk girls approached me. 

Being the thoughtful guy that I am, I devoted as much attention the phone conversation with then-girlfriend as I could, but I noticed one girl out the group was wearing a silly little veil-headband/tiara combo and a sash that said “Bride to Be.” She also had Lifesavers candies miscellaneously attached to the top she was wearing.

“Hey,” the ringleader of the bunch said (obviously a little tipsy and loud enough for then-girlfriend to overhear, “do you want to suck for a buck?”

Thanks to previous talks with then-girlfriend I knew what the term “suck for a buck” meant and since then-girlfriend overheard the question she asked, “Did those girls just ask you to suck for a buck?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Oh my god, you HAVE to do it,” said then-girlfriend.

And with that I handed the ringleader $5 (I was hoping to get change back, and of course I didn’t) and proceeded to eat one of the Lifesavers off the candy-laden top of the veil-headbanded/Bride to Be sash girl. (Of course since I was out $5, I chose the Lifesaver closest to her breast…sorry, then-girlfriend, but I get my money's worth).

I cite this example not to demonstrate my approachability, totally acceptable and non-creepy perversion or to demonstrate that a fool and his money are soon parted BUT to make another point entirely. Why would a group of celebratory drunk girls approach a stranger and ask for his hard-earned money for the opportunity to put his mouth in close proximity to their friend’s breast (albeit OVER the shirt)? AND why would then-girlfriend of said stranger encourage her then-boyfriend to perform such an act?

The answer is simple: White Chicks Cherish Bachelorette Parties.

Maybe it’s a girl’s weekend at a gorgeous coastal destination (like Charleston, SC for example). Or maybe it’s just a jam-packed night out in whichever city with transportation provided by the Fur Bus. Either way it’s a once in a lifetime chance to get all the BFF’s together, drink heavily, wear pretty outfits and celebrate the impending marriage of that one lucky girl.

White Chick Bachelorette parties may include any/all of the following elements:

  • The “Suck for a Buck” or candy necklace gimmick, as referenced in this post’s opening. Essentially it’s a way for White Chicks to finance their night of drinking by letting single men put their mouths all over the Bride to Be. (bonus points if said candies are penis-shaped).
  • Dancing to 80’s music at Wet Willie’s (White Chicks already love, love, LOVE 80’s music. But when it is combined with an entire wall full of frozen drink possibilities…OMG, watch out!)
  • Penis-shaped everything (comically over-sized glasses, charm necklaces, earrings, the penis straw, etc).
  • The crappy fake veil-headband/tiara and “Bride to Be” sash and “Maid of Honor” and “Bridesmaid” buttons (or some other fashionable way to designate each white chick’s role in the upcoming wedding). Don’t forget the colorful feather boas or some item of accoutrement that glows in the dark and/or contains blinking lights.
  • Color coordinated outfits (i.e. Bride to Be in white, the bridal party in black).
  • The one control freak in the group who has the entire night/weekend’s activities planned, right down to the nano-second. Though she may never appear to outwardly enjoy herself at all during the BP weekend, she actually relishes in the control. Type-A white chicks LOVE this; they can’t get enough of it.
  • Obsessive Type-A, super-planner White Chick may or may not have created commemorative t-shirts, coozies and mixed CDs that serve as the soundtrack for the entire bachelorette weekend for each White Chick in attendance. 
  • This may be the subject of a completely separate shower (another thing involving weddings that White Chicks are completely consumed with putting on:  linen showers, stock the bar showers, lawn and garden showers, college team colors tailgate accessory showers, etc.) But there may or may not be a lingerie gift shower at the Bachelorette Party. And if so, it is a safe bet there will be at least one purchase for the Bride to Be that contains the words “crotchless” and “edible.” 
  • Someone in the group is going to vomit. Like, A LOT. 
  • If by some off chance that the Groom to Be’s Bachleor Party is the same weekend and same city (though any White Chick worth her mettle can testify that this is a terrible idea and a huge faux pas) there will be covert, secret-agent-like actions taking place to see “what the boys are up to.” 
  • That one girlfriend in the group who is coming off a recent break up and, once supremely over-served, breaks down in tears because she fears she’ll be alone forever. 
  • The one girlfriend in the group who is, like, WAY sluttier than everyone else and disappears throughout the night to hook up with that sketchy guy in the bathroom/dark corner booth/outside while “sharing” a cigarette. 
  • The one girlfriend in the group who is already married with kids and uses the Bachelorette party as a chance to cram as much partying and freedom into the weekend/night as possible. Of course she ends up getting MEGA-HAMMERED and is subsequently hung over the rest of the time. 
  • That one friend who either at dinner, or at some point throughout the night, spills something on her favorite dress…thanks to the irreversible stain, her night/weekend is ruined. 
  • Using the excuse “it’s ok, we’re on a Bachelorette Party” to justify dancing on the bar (especially if it’s the one typically shy girl in the group who normally would never do such a thing) or any other type of behavior that is normally not acceptable in public. 
  • Someone in the group will suffer an embarrassing drunken stumble and may or may not have a bruise and/or skinned knee/elbow/twisted ankle to show for it the next day. 
  • The one cute guy at the bar who thinks he has a real shot to hook up/sleep with the Bride to Be. Umm hello…does he not notice the nearly-a-dozen cute, drunk single girls in attendance? What. A. Creep. 
  • Late night dance party/wine drinking/eating a bunch of fattening foods/late night chick flick fest. This is when cute outfits yield to comfy clothes. There will be lots of yoga pants and headbands. And at least one sorority shirt with a quote from a Dave Matthews Band song on the back. (i.e. White Rose Semi-Formal ’03: “Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters”). 
  • Cell phone/digital camera pictures of just about every single second of the entire Bachelorette Party weekend. 
  • Brunch the next day where recollections of the previous night and cell phone photos of white chicks behaving way outside of their usual white chick comfort zone will be shared and openly discussed. There will also be a miscellaneous bruise comparison and the coveted contest to prove who has the worst hangover. 
  • Best. Bachelorette. Party. EVER. (until the next one, at least) 

Mucho thanks to the WWCC Brain Trust for their contributions to/approval for items in this post (you know who you are). And to Ashley Hesseltine for supplying the photo.

Keep up with WWCC on Facebook and Twitter.

And if you've gotten this far, why not click an add and help generate some passive income for WWCC’s humble author? Please?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Spring Festival Season

It’s a special time of the year when winter slowly gives way to spring. There’s a sense of rebirth and hope associated with the season, plus it’s always awesome to get home from work at night and it not be pitch-black dark outside.

It’s nearly impossible to peg any season as the “favorite” season for White Chicks. All four of them have their own unique appeal to this truly special and wonderful species. But the magic of spring not only lies in its warm weather and increasing amounts of sunlight per day, it’s also the season’s unique ability to re-introduce the words “…and Arts Festival” into White Chick parlance year after year after year. 

Or maybe it's a Beer Festival. Or a Wine Festival. Bonus points if there's a parade. Double bonus if part of the arts and crafts includes a booth of unique jewelry made out of repurposed something or other.

Regardless of its subject matter, White Chicks Cherish Spring Festival Season and barely need a good reason to dress cute and go drink outside with their BFFs.

Spring Festival Season generally kicks off with St. Patrick’s Day and is quite a heralded time of the year for White Chicks. These glorious events usually take part in certain “cool neighborhoods” in larger cities, public parks/green spaces or perhaps a closed-down Main Street area or a sectioned-off,  walkable and relatively safe retail district. Outdoor Spring Festivals are essentially the exact same thing as Overdressing for College Football Games for White Chicks in that the event(s) involve super-cute outfits and day drinking. Only replace football games with live bands, glorious arts and crafts and handmade jewelry.

Because Festival Season usually begins on the cusp of two seasons, it affords White Chicks the opportunity to merge their favorite forms of fashion from Winter and Spring. There are two ways to view this phenomenon as well: 1) White Chicks are defiantly holding on to their favorite winter clothing items (namely boots and tights). 2) White Chicks are slightly jumping the gun on busting out the preferred items of their spring wardrobe (i.e. sundresses, flip-flops, gladiator sandals, etc.)

(Author’s note: the above paragraph and possibly this entire post may only apply to White Chicks in temperate climates like the Southeast, Gulf Coast, Texas and portions of the West Coast. WWCC would like to extend a heartfelt apology to White Chicks in parts of the country that actually still have to deal with winter weather well into March and early April. Bummer for you. For real. That really must suck.)

Festival Season outfits look like a super cute explosion occurred in a White Chick’s closet right between her winter and spring items. There may be tall boots tucked into ridiculously expensive blue jeans (REBJ). But there may also be sundresses with cowboy boots. Or maybe the REBJs will be rolled the enormous mid-calf cuff and paired with cute sandals. Maybe there’s even a summer scarf (or perhaps a festive boa?) or two involved. And you can bet your ass there will be Oversized Sunglasses, which may or may not get destroyed depending on the rowdiness of said festival.

Another White Chick item that tends to make its debut around Festival Season is the Over-sized Handbag Designed by an Outdoor Clothing Company. Maybe its real name is a “day pack,” or “hiking pack” or “lumbar pack,” but in all actuality it’s an overpriced, glorified fanny pack with additional straps to enable it to double as a purse-like bag with additional storage space for White Chick Festival Season Gear.

From her digital camera to her cell phone to a personalized water bottle to her wallet to her denim jacket (in case the temps get cold later in the day) to a back-up water bottle filled with vodka (just in case), this bag basically does everything an over-sized handbag is capable of doing, but it's designed to better handle the outdoors. And, it will be branded with The North Face, Columbia, REI, Marmot, Mountain Hardwear or Pattagonia logo. Plus, the Over-sized Handbag Designed by an Outdoor Clothing Company gives White Chicks a lot of faux-hippie cred with the jam band world when they carry these bags to outdoor summer concerts by Dave Matthews, Phish or Widespread Panic versus their regular Over Sized Handbags.

But the best part of Festival Season is the word “Season” itself. This is no “one and done” time of the year. If up to date on the goings-on in her given city/geographic region, a well-informed White Chick and her crew of adorable BFFs can easily find at least one outdoor festival per weekend to attend through late May. Possibly even June. And that’s a lot of time for cute outfits, day drinking and general merriment in glorious sunshine-y weather...and of course plenty of photo-ops, because White Chicks love taking pictures of, like, everything they do.


Please keep sharing the blog, comments and ideas for future posts on Facebook and Twitter.

And seriously, dearest reader, if you've read down this far you may as well click on an ad!

Monday, March 14, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Emily Rehse

Not to sound too much like a broken record, but I’m consistently surprised by the warm reception WWCC keeps getting. I study the blog’s analytics with something resembling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and it’s absolutely thrilling to see blog comments, tweets, comments on the Facebook page and readers gladly sharing the blog.
Boo yah!
And not a week goes by where I don’t receive an email from a WWCC fan either wanting to nominate a white chick pal for WCOTW or simply nominating themselves. You just have to admire the confidence of a gal to nominate themselves for White Chick of the Week.
And if you don’t believe me, just meet the latest WCOTW.

BIO
Name: Emily "Betty Crocker" Rehse
Age: 24, and not scared one bit that 30 is around the corner.
College/Major: Armstrong Atlantic State University. I've taken a 5-year hiatus for the Mr. and now it's head first in the books to get that Master's in British Literature. (That's right, White Chick Nerd Alert.)
Occupation: Wife first, Diva second. Whiner, Wisher, & Writer for http://www.thewaspsnest.net 
Hometown: Savannah, Georgia
Current city: Savannah, Georgia
One Quick Interesting Fact about Emily: I'm from one of the oldest families in Savannah, we came right after that hot mess the books called a debtor's colony. 

EMILY’S FAVORITES:
Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: Char-grilled Chicken Club with Fries & a Diet Lemonade (As if anyone could walk away without one, blasphemers.)
 

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: It's tied amongst Cat Stevens, James Taylor & John Hiatt.
Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: I keep it classy and classic. Calvin Klein is my man for denim.
Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Boutique? Honey no, this girl wakes and bakes. Favorites? Praline Pecan & Red Velvet. Savannah is the hostess city, you have to earn your stripes in the kitchen.
White Chick Flick: I can't pick just one. Chick flicks to me aren't light and fluffy, I love seeing trials and tribulations overcome. Think “Gone With the Wind,” “Pride & Prejudice” (Matthew Not Colin), and “Top Gun.”
Adult Beverage: Mint Julep with Firefly or Moët & Chandon Rosé Impérial
Favorite White Chick Lit: This is where I like it fluffy, I'm a huge? No, monstrous fan of Jane Austen, Tolkien (he and my uncle were pen pals.) and Joanne Rowling, but sometimes, a girl needs a fluffy book and a bubble bath, for that Jen Lencaster is a must. “Pretty in Plaid” gets me rolling!
Item of Accoutrement/accessory: I don't leave the house without my villager filled with my planner, fresh sugar lip balm, gloss addiction of the week, current mags from Bazaar, Good Housekeeping and Coastal Living, as well as flip flops for when I need to recoup from a long day with a pedi.
WCOTW
Q&A
When did you first realize you were a white chick?
Right about the time, I realized the jewelry store my granny was always stopping in belonged to us. I had a full chest of silver at the ripe age of 5.
It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend.
Saturdays are typically for the outdoors, Mr and I usually go to the park with the dogs if it's sunny. If not, we fire up the popcorn and hit the Netflix. Sundays are the best however; we go to noon communion and then, depending on the company, we either brunch at the Oglethorpe Club or the Savannah Yacht Club. Best days are Omelet days. Perfection.
What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?
 Any day spent with my mom and step dad are the best. It's like my very own version of “Leave It To Beaver,” only my mother is wearing Talbots and there are no boys around.
Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis & Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?
I would hope it would be for my novel I'm writing. It's taking my life and others and turning it into a modern mash up of a classic. I can't elaborate because then I'd be giving it away! I'd have to say Ellen, I love her charisma and she has such a genuine nature. I'm not a Oprah fan. I think was once sincere but now is just a big rich phony. As for R&K, I didn't know they were still together. Woopsie!
If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?
Easy! Queen Elizabeth. Not only is she queen but she rules with such pose, grace and femininity. I know it's 2011, but to me it’s such a blast from the past. And when everyone was wearing all these cutesy tooties princess idiom accessories, I was like why settle? I want to be QUEEN!

Nominate yourself or a fabulous white chick friend to be WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.



Come say hi on Facebook and Twitter!



And help WWCC generate some paltry, passive income by clicking on some ads!


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Giving Up Highly Cherished Things for Lent

WWCC has mentioned before, many times in fact, about just how hard it can be to be a White Chick.


And this fact of life is perhaps no truer than today–Ash Wednesday–the beginning of Lent, when God-fearing White Chicks everywhere are giving up something they truly cherish.


As if it wasn’t already an arduous, uphill battle being a White Chick on a daily basis, now, out of an act of faith or latent Christian guilt, they have to go without something they truly cherish for, like, 40 whole days? Oh, the horror.


But White Chicks Cherish Giving Up Highly Cherished Items for Lent.


White Chicks also love discussing what they are giving up for Lent like it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever had to do…in fact I guarantee that you, yes you dear reader, know at least one White Chick who posted what she was giving up for Lent today as her Facebook status.


In the sprit of the season, WWCC came up with a working list of things White Chicks may find acceptable to give up for Lent. And I don’t mean to sound sarcastic or sacrilegious in the least when I say I am sure Jesus Christ is utterly bewildered and humbled by the courage, fortitude and conviction White Chicks display by depriving themselves of any of the following for 40 days:


  • Facebook (Bonus points is you’re a white chick and your FB status is currently about giving up FB for lent OR if you announced this fact via Twitter).
  • Diet Coke
  • Girl Scout Cookies (in all seriousness, giving up Girl Scout cookies during the only time of the year they are available is a pretty big deal)
  • Wine
  • Chocolate and/or candy
  • Texting (I’m pretty sure giving up anything involving one’s cell phone in this day and age is virtually impossible)
  • Going out to bars
  • Sweet Tea
  • The Internet (yeah, right)
  • Champagne
  • Chick-fil-A
  • Cupcakes
  • Carbs
  • Beer/any other form of booze not previously mentioned (you do realize St. Patrick’s Day is, like, two weeks away?)
  • Cussing (I won’t name names, but I know a few White Chicks who would fail miserably at trying to give this up)
  • Red Meat
  • Fro-Yo
  • Potato Chips
  • Drunk Dialing/Texting their exes
  • Sex (For real, white chicks? If you have to give up sex for lent, you may be a skank…just sayin’.)
  • Men/Boys (Though saying “I’m through with men…” carries way less weight when done “for Lent” versus, say, “FOREVER”)
  • “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (or any other superbly horrible reality TV show guilty pleasure)
  • Pizza
  • Gossiping (this will only last until that “one” slut at work does something even remotely annoying one day. The only way for white chicks to live with the fact that they have a nemesis is to talk about them behind their backs constantly)
  • Any other form of dessert not previously mentioned
  • Shopping/Online Shopping (bonus points if you’re a white chick and find yourself aghast after reading this because There. Is. No. Way.)
  • Ethnic Food
  • Fried Food
  • Pilates/Yoga/Spin Class (psssssh…like a white chick would ever give this up)
  • TV in general (I’d rather chop off a pinky or a lesser-used toe)
  • Cheese
  • Bacon (Are you for serious? Don’t you know how effing awesome bacon is?)
  • Tabloids (this includes all the TMZ/Extra type shows)
  • Their favorite Starbucks drink (White chicks, do us all a favor here. If you are addicted to highly caffeinated beverages, for the sake of everyone who interacts with you on a daily basis, DO NOT deprive yourself of this addictive/mood altering substance)
  • Any other action that involves a near-impossible act of self-control not previously mentioned


Come say hi on Facebook and Twitter!

And please don’t give up clicking on annoying ads for Lent.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Kristina Cherry

As I’ve mentioned before with nearly every new addition to the WCOTW feature, I am hugely overwhelmed by all the support and praise WWCC has received since its inception. The blog has 246 followers, 500 or so fans on Facebook and about 280 followers on Twitter! Boo yah! So it’s awesome to think that something that began as more or less of a personal lark has become such a decent success.

The WCOTW process has also been awesome to take in. Sometimes I pick out White Chicks myself from the small group of them I am fortunate enough to know. But nearly every week I get emails from folks (guys and gals) recommending someone they know to be WCOTW. And sometimes White Chicks with a certain amount of panache and self-confidence nominate themselves. This week’s WCOTW is one such lady.

When this week’s WCOTW emailed me about appearing on the blog, she did everything right. And by that I mean she lauded WWCC with ego-boosting praise and professed her undying love for the blog.

“You have no idea how exciting this is in the world of White Chicks!” she said. “I am obsessed with your blog. You just nail us so perfectly. I have not come across a white chick yet that I haven't turned into a follower. From my mom and her friends to all my sorority sisters. Every time there is a post it truely brightens my day and gives me a little break to sit back and laugh!”

So without further ado, please meet the latest (and youngest to date) White Chick of the Week: Kristina Cherry

BIO

Age: I'm an old soul stuck in a 22-year-old body

College/Major: Georgia College & State University, Studio Art (I go to class and craft everyday, how white chick is that?)

Current City: Milledgeville, Georgia (Reference “Pretty Woman,” Julia Roberts' Character is from Milledgeville, so it must be good.)

Hometown: East Cobb (White Chick Mecca)

One Quick Interesting Fact About Kristina: I've been a hardcore White Chick since before I even knew what that meant. As young as 8 my family started calling me "Julie of the Love Boat" for my impeccable ability to plan and organize events for fellow 8 year olds. I haven't stopped yet...

KRISTINA’S FAVORITES

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: Currently a #6 with a Coke Zero

Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Clearly John Mayer, I saw him at On the Bricks when I was only 12 and it was love at first sight. Our relationship is still going strong.

Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: I'm short so this is really difficult for me.. I have found that GAP jeans were just made for me. GAP may not be a part of the Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans category but their 1969 collection is pure perfection.

Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Anything that includes peanut butter and chocolate. Most places have some form of this but they are all referred to by different names, whatever it may be, I love it.

White Chick Flick: Well Nicholas Sparks is my man but honestly my favorite and arguably the original White Chick Flick is “Steel Magnolias.” My mom and I frequently find ourselves working in the script into our everyday lives. It’s a classic.

Favorite white chick adult beverage: Clearly a Mimosa. They are perfect for every occasion and always classy.

Favorite White Chick Lit: See above, Nicholas Sparks is my man. I mean seriously his wife hit the jackpot. A man that can write such romantic stories, he knows just how to pull on a woman's heartstrings.

Item of Accoutrement/Accessory: A Giant Handbag. You never know when an emergency situation might break out, thank got for a fashionable way to be prepared at all times.

WCOTW Q&A

It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend.

Well since I am still a student my weeks are shorter and my weekends are longer, it is truly glorious. I am not quite sure yet how I will make the adjustment into the "real world." But my weekend would start out by Grey's Anatomy with the roomies while preparing to go out on the town here in big ol' Milledgeville. Followed by an eventful evening/early early morning in the bar scene. Friday I would sleep in and eventually drag myself from the bed and up to the art studio. I would paint all day while jamming out to some White Chick tunes with fellow White Chick art majors (there are quite a few of us if you can believe that!) Then out for a little Mexican and repeat over again all weekend. At some point I would try to throw in some laundry and on Sunday always a few good White Chick Flicks. Sunday night would of course be consumed by Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. Ahh... only four more days until the next weekend!

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

There has honestly not been a post that isn't literally the truth of my life. But along with the Various Monogrammed Items I also cherish anything, I mean anything that has my Sorority Letters on it. It’s sick. It’s just as great as a monogram because those letters won't ever change. Should I at some point mature out of the Sorority letter stage? Yes. Probably. Will I? Most likely not. Also singing Journey at the top of my lungs. It was my senior song. How White Chick does that make East Cobb? Yea. White Chicks Rule. I just can't get enough of it. I lose all of my inhibitions and I just have to immediately find a microphone and pour my heart out. Don't Stop Believin.

If you could be the contestant on any reality show (think The Bachelor, Top Chef, Project Runway, The Amazing Race, etc.) which one would you choose and why?

I think I would really love to be on Project Runway it would truly be like one of my most insane dreams coming true but I hate the sewing machine so realistically it would be The Amazing Race. My mother and I could kick some serious butt in this competition and we would make great television. We are like two peas in a pod with all the comedic relief that is required of such a serious task. We are competitive as they come, you tell us we can't and you better believe we will times 10. And seriously who wouldn't want to watch two generations of White Chick travel across the globe and do insane challenges while eating totally gross things?

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?

This is really a hard one but at the end of the day I would have to go with Oprah. And I would want the whole hour devoted to me! Because I would be a famous wedding/event planner and I would be telling Oprah all the latest trends. I would also spill some gossip about the latest celebrity weddings I am working on. Oprah is just fun. When she gets excited about something it is truly hard for me to contain myself also. I know she would just be the best host! And I also really want to meet Gayle.

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?

It would definitely have to be Jennifer Aniston. She may not be lucky in love but she is rockin it at 41 years old. And she just has the world at her fingertips. Everyone loves her, I mean who wouldn't want to be her? Hardly anyone, just think about the amont of people that were sportin the "Rachel" in the 90's.


Nominate yourself or a fabulous white chick friend to be WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.



Come say hi on Facebook and Twitter!



And help WWCC generate some paltry, passive income by clicking on some ads!

Monday, February 28, 2011

The Oscars

Ahh…awards season. Is there a better time of year for self-aggrandizing, nationally televised embarrassment and fabulous dresses? Hell no there isn’t.

As humans, we’re all a little bit guilty of peering into the world of celebrities with slightly jealous eyes. They’re generally gorgeous, wealthy, talented and sublimely well informed when it comes to having relevant opinions on political and world matters, so it’s only natural to be envious of Hollywood A-listers.

At no other time of the year is this envy more palpable than The Academy Awards. For months the build up grows and grows–there are even a whole slew of less important awards shows that exist solely to serve as Oscar appetizers. And the relentless coverage is nearly impossible to escape–from legit news sources to grocery store gossip rags to entire television networks devoted to shoveling star worship down our throats.

There are hundreds of reasons why White Chicks Cherish The Oscars. Nearly every white chick, at some point in their lives, has dreamed of being dressed like a princess and being the center of the world’s attention. So there’s a sense of yearning that can be associated with viewing the Academy Awards. There’s also the genuine feeling of empathy­–of seeing a truly thankful actor, utterly bewildered in their moment of spotlight, offering their heartfelt and sincere acceptance speeches. (bonus points if said speech can make a white chick cry).

But let’s face it, White Chicks can be a horrifically mean and catty bunch. Particularly when they are in groups and there’s booze AND other women dressed in clothes involved. And I’m not saying all white chicks are guilty of this, but some white chicks may watch The Oscars with their girlfriends and snacks and plenty of wine for the sole purpose of venting.

And in the spirit of the uncanny ability of white chicks to deliver snarky and scathing commentary whilst watching the Oscars with their bffs, WWCC wanted to tip its hat to white chicks everywhere by offering its own take on last night's Oscars.

(I will make a half-assed pre-emptive apology for the mean-spirited tone of most of, ok...ALL, the proceeding comments. But if there is one group of people who need a healthy dose of negative vitriol it’s the overpaid bunch of self-absorbed, self-important and self-congratulatory whackos that make up Hollywood).

--It’s hard not to like Anne Hathaway, but she tried too hard last night. Granted she was basically forced to carry James Franco’s dead co-hosting weight. So is that really her fault? Maybe she should have changed outfits a few more times?

--I’ve enjoyed James Franco in most of the movies I’ve seen him in, but an engaging Oscar co-host HE IS NOT. When you’re charismatically upstaged by Kirk Douglas (who is at least 137 years old and the victim of no less than three strokes) maybe it’s time to think about your stage presence/persona.

--How sad is it that the Oscars play that awful music to cut people off during their acceptance speeches? I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for these people to thank their family, colleagues and loved ones for a life of hard work that culminates in this ONE brief moment in time –and they have a time limit?!? Granted this happens more so with the awards no one cares about (sound editing, foreign films, costumery, etc.) but if the Oscars are so concerned with time, why not get rid of all the useless bullshit from the show: the horrid auto-tune/mash-up of created songs from awful movies, Gwynneth Paltrow singing and/or James Franco in a dress.

--Seriously, Gwynneth Paltrow should NOT be allowed to sing in public. Not all actors can sing. Not all singers can act. The entertainment industry MUST come to this realization. The sooner the better. Plus, she looks uber-constipated when she sings...not the best look for her.

--How, why and when did Kelly Osbourne become a definitive voice in contemporary fashion? Isn’t being Ozzy Osbourne’s pudgy and annoying daughter the only career path she’s qualified for?

--I have nothing but respect for Joan Rivers long career and sense of humor, but I hardly feel like a 100-year-old heap of plastic surgery is in any position to comment on fashion. And don’t get me started on the hermaphroditic freak of nature (and heap of plastic surgery) Stephen Cojocaru. Call me a jerk but aside from “The Soup” every show, every person and every thing on the E! Network is complete and total brain cell-destroying horseshit.

--ALL white chicks absolutely love every little thing about Cate Blanchett. Michelle Williams is quickly gaining ground, though. Go ahead and add Sandra Bullock to this list for good measure (though I wonder if her universal white chick love would be the same if her scumbag husband didn’t cheat on her with that tattooed skank?)

--Jennifer Hudson is literally half the performer she once was.

--One of the highlights of last night–not seeing a Kardashian.

--Scarlett Johansen is easily one of the most attractive women on the planet, but how did she forget to brush her hair for the Oscars?

--Really? Erin Andrews at the Oscars? WTF…shouldn’t you have to have some sort of marketable talent to at least receive an invitation to the Academy Awards?

--Looks like it will take more than an Oscar nomination and a reference by Justin Timberlake to make Banksy a more credible pop culture reference.

--Was anyone else hoping when Billy Crystal came on stage last night that he got some sort of “relief host” signal from the Oscars’ producers? Like he was called in from the bullpen for the save?

--Hey, Natalie Portman, we all know you’re pregnant. You don’t have to mention it, like, ALL the time in, like, EVERY speech or interview you give. (Author's note: this is spurned by jealousy of the fact that Portman's child is not mine).

-- Not counting the children in the PS22 Chorus, but 1/3 of the black people they showed on the Oscars last night were dead–between Halle Berry, Oprah and Lena Horne.

--We get it, Jesse Eisenberg, you’re such a rebel because it’s 2011, you’re an Oscar-nominated actor and yet you don’t own a TV or have a Facebook page. Perhaps if you owned and frequently used these modern marvels of communication, you’d be a little less socially awkward and painful to watch in interviews.

--Reese Witherspoon is a super cutie, BUT not last night. It looked like her stylist stole her hair do from My Little Pony.

--Is it me or do Keith Urban and Billy Ray Cyrus look almost exactly the same?

--Melissa Leo’s f-bomb during her acceptance speech last night may very well have been the only genuine moment of the night.

--Why the Corey Haim snub in the “In Memoriam” tribute last night? Come on, he was brilliant in “Lucas,” “License to Drive,” and “The Lost Boys.” For shame, Hollywood. For Shame.

--Really?!? Scientologists can't get any love at the Oscars anymore?!?

--Portraying a character with mental issues (Natalie Portman), substance abuse problems (Christian Bale) or slight handicaps (Colin Firth) will ALWAYS equate to an Oscar win.

--I could die a happy man if I don’t ever have to see or hear Celine Dion again.


Share your own snarky Oscar comments here or on Facebook and Twitter!

And if you've read down this far you may as well scroll down just a bit further and click on an add and generate some paltry, passive income for WWCC!