Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Chelsea Handler

White Chicks are not without their role models. They have non-gay celebrity crushes on a plethora famous female figureheads they either want to be or be BFF's with.

There's Kelly Ripa who serves as prime example of balancing perky cuteness, a bubbling personality and charm with a successful career, a family and product endorsements.

There's Princess Diana who, years after her untimely death, stills serves as the epitome of grace, elegance, humility and goodwill.

There's Jennifer Aniston (she ranks quite high on my "Celebrities I wanna Do" list) who blends girl-next-door good looks with unfortunately-unlucky-in-love fate that many white chicks regrettably relate to.

And, of course, there's Oprah who is essentially is the most powerful woman on the planet. She's more omnipotent and wealthy than God and can change lives with the snap of a finger.

And that's just barely scratching of the surface of White Chick role models. But there's a relatively new White Chick role model on the scene--someone whose mega-successful career encompasses TV, comedy and literature. Someone who is easily one of the sexiest, funniest women on Earth (along with Tina Fey who also makes my coveted "list"). She's not only extremely successful and popular, but also possesses a razor sharp wit and a crass sense of self-deprecation that could make your funny-as-hell-yet-often-inappropriate-at-family-dinners-uncle blush like a school girl. AND she's got a tremendous rack.

So, it's no big surprise that White Chicks Cherish Chelsea Handler.

In case you aren't familiar with Chelsea Handler's recent explosion on the scene of uber-sexy/uber-hilarious White Chick role models, here are a few bullet points to bring you, dearest WWCC reader, up to speed:

  • She's the host of "Chelsea Lately" on E!, a show known for its tongue-in-cheek take on the celebrity gossip world and often finds handler rubbing elbows with up-and-coming comedians as well as A-list celebrities. The show is also groundbreaking in the fact half of its writing staff consists of women. So while Ms. Handler can make dirty jokes with her midget sidekick, Chuey, she's also a trailblazing pioneer for women! Go White Chicks!
  • Ms. Handler is also an accomplished author. She showcased her wit and brazen fearlessness to talk about her own sex life in the memoir "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands." She has also penned "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" (which is assuredly on the bookshelf of most white chicks out there) and the book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang."
  • In March of this year, Handler officially achieved "BALLER" status in the literary world when ALL THREE OF HER BOOKS HELD THE TOP 3 SPOTS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST! Seriously...that is bad ass. Truly amazing.
  • Handler also has a regular column in "Cosmo"
  • Handler's endeavors into stand-up comedy have included sold-out nationwide tours and appearances on HBO, Comedy Central and Oxygen's "Girls Behaving Badly"
  • She's also a philanthropist and received the "Ally for Equality Award" by the Human Rights Campaign for her support of the LGBT community.
  • And sure it's superficial, but her hotness has been legitimized through a cover appearance on "Playboy" (she had posed for a non-nude pictorial) and made the cut of "Maxim's Hot 100."
  • This year, Handler became the second woman EVER to host MTV's video Video Music Awards.
  • And, according to the celebrity tabloid world, Handler may or may not be currently hooking up with 50 Cent. (And whether they freely admit to it or not, most white chicks do carry a secret, lustful fascination with chiseled, mega-successful and unattainable black men...just saying).
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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Abbreviating Commonly Used Words or Expressions (aka. abbrevs or breevin)

It's highly likely, centuries from now when the dumbing down of American civilization and subsequent downfall of modern humanity are studied on other planets, that the ill-effects of the Internet and mobile phones on our collective intelligence will play a major role in our demise.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Interweb and all the vast, useless silliness it entails (ie. blogs about the behavior of cute white chicks). And in most cases it's much easier and simpler to communicate via emails, text messages and Instant Messaging than to actually have a face to face conversation or phone discussion with someone. Simply put, these electronic devices have changed the way we all converse with one another in equally positive and negative ways.

And while text-speak, web slang, Internet jargon and Tweeting have completely permeated our society, there is only one species on Earth that has truly reaped the benefits of this relatively new found shortened sense of communication. And that's because White Chicks Cherish Abbreviating Commonly Used Words or Expressions (aka. abbrevs or breevin).

I've spent a portion of this week researching the "breevin" phenomenon amongst my adorable Caucasian female counterparts and have reached an important conclusion. "Breevin" should only be done by white chicks. Through my research, I tried to slip "abbrevs" into a few chats and felt completely ridiculous and utterly insecure.

Frequently used "abbrevs"in the white chick vernacular can be acronyms for common phrases or just shortened, abbreviated versions of regular words. In the hopes of helping WWCC readers better understand the "breevin" phenomenon, which is basically white chick shorthand, I have compiled a working list of commonly used "abbrevs" and will present them as follows:
--"Abbrev": the "Abbrevs" root word and "it's use in a sentence, which are frequently combined with other abbrevs"

--OMG: Oh my God. "OMG, this Oversized Hand Bag is to die for."

--Totes: Totally. "I'm totes going to Sunday Brunch with the girls after this long day of Overdressing for College Football Games"

--Obvs/Obvi: Obviously."OMG, those Fashionable Rainboots are obvi the bomb."

(author's note: OMG, totes and obvi are something of the holy trinity in the white chick "abbrevs" lexicon).

--Cray Cray: Crazy/utterly bat-shit insane. "OMG, Sheree on RHWOA (Real Housewives of Atlanta) is totes cray cray."

--NBD: No big deal. "OMG, I totes have two callback interviews for two different PR firms this week...NBD."

--BTW: By the way (some whitechicks actually pronounce this abbrev as "BeeTeeDubs." "BTW, girlfriend, I need you to return my Belt As Fashion Accessory, I'm totes gonna wear it on a date."

--Presh: Precious. "Look at those mini-red velvet cupcakes, they are SO presh."

--Jell/Jelly: Jealous. "Oooh, the girls are totes gonna be jelly of my new Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans."

--FTW: For the win/to triumph. "Chick-fil-A chicken minis after a long night of drinking while watching "The Bachelor, FTW."

--BCP/BKP: Birth Control Pills aka. "baby kill pills." "I totes forgot to take my BCP's for the last few days, now I'm eating them like Skittles to catch up."

--Ridic: Ridiculous. "Friday night is SO gonna be Girl's Night Out. We're gonna drink, dance and listen to 80's music, it's gonna be ridic!"

--Adorb: Aborable. "This Lilly dress is totes adorb."

--Perf: Perfect. "I found the perf ballet flats to wear with my new adorb Lily dress. FTW!"

--Hilar: Hilarious. "She dressed as Double Rainbow for Halloween...hilar!"

--Fab: Fabulous. "Girl, this fro-yo (frozen yogurt) is so fab!"

--Belig: Belligerent. "OMG, she had like 8 bellinis at brunch, she's totes gonna get belig on us."

--Vom: vomit. "Ugh, there's no way I could drink that much, I would totes vom."

--Trampage: A slutty rampage. "OMG, she's belig drunk. Just made a vom in the girl's room. AND her ex-bf is here with some skank. I smell a trampage coming on."

--Sars: Sorry. "Girls, sars for the trampage yesterday. Between the bellinis and my ex, it was the perf storm."

--Sketch: Sketchy. "Some sketch ball just asked me to make out in the bathroom with him. Vom!"

--Nast: Nasty. "OMG, that slut is totes gonna make out in the bathroom with that sketchball. Nast!"

In the likely even that WWCC overlooked some common abbrevs, please share some omissions on Facebook and Twitter.

Monday, November 8, 2010

White Chick of the Week: Poem Turner

WWCC loyalists, please accept my most sincere apologies for a lack of posts this previous week. I was out of town for a couple of days and was severely lazy over the weekend (I spent a majority of it in my pajamas napping at all hours of the day).

So in the interests of getting back on task...

This week's White Chick of the Week marks a few firsts in the short-lived WCOTW feature.

She is the first White Chick that has been nominated, and comes highly recommended from a mutual friend who was a college buddy and former roommate of mine from my starving artist days in Charleston, SC.

She's the first married WCOTW...proof positive that some other idiot dude (no offense to her hubby, of course) out there clearly recognized her mettle and appeal as a top-notch white chick.

She's also WWCC's first White Chick of the Week to not have a college or professional background in Communications/Public Relations (turns out White Chicks are capable to excel in other fields as you will soon learn).

And she's also the first North Carolina resident to be featured as a WCOTW.

So without further ado, it is an esteemed honor (as always) to introduce WWCC's White Chick of the Week: Poem Turner


Age: Let's just say it stops at 29.

College: "We're the Red and White from State and we're here to kick your a**" (As a side note, this NC State alum's beloved football team was vanquished by my Clemson Tigers over the weekend in what was easily the fugliest game of two-sided offensive ineptitude that the NCAA has likely ever seen in its storied history).

Major: One of them has to do with fish.

Occupation: Molecular Biologist

Hometown: The Sunny Caribbean

Current City: Cary, NC. "Money" magazine called us the #5 Best Place to Live in the U.S.

A quick, interesting fact about Poem: Option 1: Due to my name and that I'm from the Islands, people tend to think I'm black. Then they meet me and realize "Money" magazine should have named me the Top 5 Whitest chick ever. Option 2: I know every lyric to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

The Things Poem Cherishes Most

Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: The one with the nuggets and honey mustard sauce along with a Cookies and Cream milkshake. But I have to give a shout out to the breakfast Chicken Minis!
Non-threatening Singer-songwriter: The Avett Brothers
Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: David Kahn or Paper Denim & Cloth
Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Pina Colada
White Chick Flick: "Princess Bride," "Laws of Attraction," and "Intolerable Cruelty"
White Chick Lit: I don't often indulge, but when I do it's anything by Candace Bushnell
Adult Beverage: Chocolate martini but Drunken Gummy Bears are high on the list.
Item of Accoutrement: Big Sunglasses


It's been a long week at work, tell us about your ideal white chick weekend: Catch a plane with in-flight beverages to NYC to visit my sister. Get a massage, go shopping, spend way too long getting dressed up (inappropriately for the weather, of course), dinner at an overly-hyped "hard-to-get-reservations-to" restaurant, dancing to live 80's music, making fun other white chicks for doing the same thing, brunch the next day, prep for a dinner party, writ my White Chick of the Week profile while helping back a scratch-made cake, quick dinner party with adult beverages, and fly back home to snuggle with my hubby.

What name do you have picked out for your hypothetical children? For a girl I prefer Andrea or Audrey, but we'll probably compromise on Reagan. For a boy, my husband already has the whitest name ever (Robert Charles), so we may just recycle that since it's too good to waste.

What are some of the things you cherish most as a white chick? I do love spin class and who doesn't love a blog about their lifestyle (author's note: Boo Yah!). And do I really need to mention shopping?

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on "Oprah," "Ellen," or "Live with Regis and Kelly" but ONLY one. What did you do to become famous and which show would you appear on? My sister and I opened a boutique paperie and full-service event planning store that became wildly successful. Ellen and I will discuss it one afternoon along with the acting talent of Portia de Rossi on the short-lived white chick favorite "Better Off Ted."

Tell us something very un-white chick about you: There's not even room to start...

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be? Julianne Moore because she's so fabulous.

Nominate yourself or a fabulous white chick friend to be WCOTW by emailing me at mark.pantsari@gmail.com.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Fashionable Rain Boots

Though it would never happen in our capitalist society, I am of the staunch and unrealistic belief that everything should be shut down on days of inclement weather. I'm not talking about brief summer showers where it dumps rain for 20 minutes and then the sun comes out again, I'm talking about days where it's a torrential downpour. All. Day. Long.

Nothing is worse than having to go about your normal business on a rainy day. It puts a damper on everything—the bottoms of your pants get rain-soaked, it's impossible to have a good hair day and people drive like complete and total nit-wits.

Businesses should close and mandatory "sick" days should be granted to all tax-paying citizens on rainy days because all you really want to do (and should be required by law to do) is lay around in your pajamas and watch movies you seen a bajillion times all day.

But this line of reasoning, as appealing as it may be to most white chicks, is faulty at best. Rainy days present a unique opportunity for white chicks to showcase a hidden gem in their fashion arsenals...and that's because White Chicks Cherish Fashionable Rain Boots.

WWCC has discussed on several occasions how white chicks will likely choose form over function when it comes to looking adorable and Fashionable Rain Boots represent a happy union of the two. From a manufacturing perspective, Fashionable Rain Boots are functionally the same as the gear worn by commercial fishermen—they're made of rubber to keep one's feet secure and dry from precipitation and provide ample traction for wet, slippery surfaces.

But there's a big difference between a commercial fisherman's galoshes and Fashionable Rain Boots; a great pair of Fashionable Rain Boots are To.Die.For. And I highly doubt that brands like Steve Madden, Coach, Michael Kors, Chooka and Burberry give a damn about commercial fisherman when they can sell Fashionable Rain Boots to white chicks for a retail price of anywhere from $59.95 to $250!

A fabulous pair of Fashionable Rain Boots are likely to incorporate any of the following in their design:
--Polka Dots
--Animal Print (OMG..have you seen the Peacock print?)
--Bright, Solid Colors (like yellows, reds or pastels)
--Cute, Baby Animals (such as whales or duckies...bonus points if the duckies are dressed in their own adorable rain garb)
--Some type of artsy pattern (hearts, flowers or paisley for example)
--High-end name-brand accoutrement (ie. The Coach logo or Burberry plaid)
--Or possibly something ironic (ever seen a super cute white chick in a pair of Fashionable Rain Boots sporting a skull and cross bones? I have.)

Fashionable Rain Boots can virtually be paired with any outfit: they go well with shorts in the summer, a mini skirt or dress and are fab on cold, wet days with a pair of ridiculously expensive jeans or leggings tucked in.

A white chick only needs a low-percent chance of rain to bust out her Fashionable Rain Boots. I've seen white chicks sporting their FRB's on completely sunny days and I've been jealous of white chicks and their dry feet on days when it's raining cats and dogs and my socks are soaking wet inside my shoes (ugh...the WORST!).

But rest assured no matter the weather forecast, when it comes to a white chick and her preparedness for inclement days, there's a 100% chance of Fashionable Rain Boots.

Tell us about your favorite FRB's, white chicks. Hit up WWCC on Facebook or Twitter.