Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Over Sized Sunglasses

Though I've alluded to the topic several times in other WWCC posts, I've yet to tackle this subject matter head on. And now is just as good a time as any.

In the world of White Chick Fashion Accessories there is one thing universally owned by seemingly every White Chick on Earth. A certain item of accoutrement that offers relative anonymity while still saying to the world, "Hey, world! I'm a White Chick! Aren't I fabulous?" A wonderful item that represents the happy union of fashionable form and feasible function that truly personifies an often used phrase in the White Chick lexicon (particularly when it correlates to Fashionable Handbags and a certain part of the male anatomy which may or may not be the topic of ribald discussion over the third Bloody Mary or Mimosa at Sunday Brunch): Bigger is Always Better.

White Chicks Cherish Over Sized Sunglasses

There's really no rhyme or reason when it comes to the perfect size of Over Sized Sunglasses for White Chicks. Generally, they seem to be just a couple of notches under those giant, comically huge joke sunglasses in size, but WAY WAY cuter. As long as they have the ability to be lifted off the face, rested above the bangs and double as a hair band once a White Chick is inside and out of direct sunlight (White Chicks do with this with such adorable aplomb), then, really Over-Sized Sunglasses are the perfect size.

But there most definitely is a certain logic pertaining to the cost of said sunglasses and their life expectancy in White Chickdom. A designer pair of Over Sized Sunglasses is at least a $200 White Chick investment that almost always seems to be left in cabs, lost forever to an expansive body of water, forgotten on top of the car before the morning commute or simply pulverized during an over-served fall while Overdressing for a College Football Game Tailgate. Conversely, a pair of sunglasses under $25 (often purchased at Target) to offer a quick fix will seemingly last forever.

Over Sized Sunglasses typically come in three styles:

The Jackie O's:

Obviously drawing a major influence from the former First Lady who, still to this day, stands for a level of elegance and sophistication nearly every White Chick in the galaxy aspires to reach. Jackie O-versized Sunglasses are generally geometrically shaped and feature either a dark tortoise-shell or solid black frame. Essentially if these sunglasses cover a White Chick's entire face, save for her mouth and nose, then they are utterly fabulous. Elegant enough for an outdoor wedding reception but still casual enough for a trip to Walgreen's in workout clothes to buy lady products...and maybe some Peanut Butter M&Ms.

The Aviators

Not only did "Top Gun" leave us with a masterpiece of an 80s movie (one you just have to watch if it plays on cable on a hungover Sunday) whose thinly-veiled homo-erotic undertones leave us questioning Tom Cruise's sexual preference decades later, the movie also helped to popularize the second most popular form of Over Sized Sunglasses for White Chicks.

While Jackie O's are the most popular, Aviators require a certain amount of panache to pull off properly in White Chickdom. White Chicks in Aviators are generally in touch with their inner-rock star. Aviators make White Chicks look laid back, approachable and always ready for fun, be it day drinking on a friends boat or just driving around with the gals on a sunny day singing along to their favorite "Hey Girl!" songs as loud as possible on the radio.

The Hipster-ettes

In case you missed WWCC's brief dissertation on the indie/hipster White Chick in the Sassy Ankle Boots addendum post, this White Chick subspecies is currently popularizing another form of Over Sized Sunglasses.

Hipster-ettes are typically in the fashion of old-school horn-rimmed glasses (a la Buddy Holly) and generally come in loud, obtrusive colors (maybe a neon green?). There's really not much use of trying to make sense of fashion sense in the indie/hipster world, other than that irony seems to be a huge motivating factor. But nonetheless, indie/hipster White Chicks put a lot of effort into looking like they don't care how they look. And I just want to personally thank them for their efforts. Because, strangely enough, they pull it off.

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1 comment:

  1. You forgot that white chicks LOVE plastic wayfarers that look like raybans! Especially if they have sorority letters on the side!