Monday, February 28, 2011

The Oscars

Ahh…awards season. Is there a better time of year for self-aggrandizing, nationally televised embarrassment and fabulous dresses? Hell no there isn’t.

As humans, we’re all a little bit guilty of peering into the world of celebrities with slightly jealous eyes. They’re generally gorgeous, wealthy, talented and sublimely well informed when it comes to having relevant opinions on political and world matters, so it’s only natural to be envious of Hollywood A-listers.

At no other time of the year is this envy more palpable than The Academy Awards. For months the build up grows and grows–there are even a whole slew of less important awards shows that exist solely to serve as Oscar appetizers. And the relentless coverage is nearly impossible to escape–from legit news sources to grocery store gossip rags to entire television networks devoted to shoveling star worship down our throats.

There are hundreds of reasons why White Chicks Cherish The Oscars. Nearly every white chick, at some point in their lives, has dreamed of being dressed like a princess and being the center of the world’s attention. So there’s a sense of yearning that can be associated with viewing the Academy Awards. There’s also the genuine feeling of empathy­–of seeing a truly thankful actor, utterly bewildered in their moment of spotlight, offering their heartfelt and sincere acceptance speeches. (bonus points if said speech can make a white chick cry).

But let’s face it, White Chicks can be a horrifically mean and catty bunch. Particularly when they are in groups and there’s booze AND other women dressed in clothes involved. And I’m not saying all white chicks are guilty of this, but some white chicks may watch The Oscars with their girlfriends and snacks and plenty of wine for the sole purpose of venting.

And in the spirit of the uncanny ability of white chicks to deliver snarky and scathing commentary whilst watching the Oscars with their bffs, WWCC wanted to tip its hat to white chicks everywhere by offering its own take on last night's Oscars.

(I will make a half-assed pre-emptive apology for the mean-spirited tone of most of, ok...ALL, the proceeding comments. But if there is one group of people who need a healthy dose of negative vitriol it’s the overpaid bunch of self-absorbed, self-important and self-congratulatory whackos that make up Hollywood).

--It’s hard not to like Anne Hathaway, but she tried too hard last night. Granted she was basically forced to carry James Franco’s dead co-hosting weight. So is that really her fault? Maybe she should have changed outfits a few more times?

--I’ve enjoyed James Franco in most of the movies I’ve seen him in, but an engaging Oscar co-host HE IS NOT. When you’re charismatically upstaged by Kirk Douglas (who is at least 137 years old and the victim of no less than three strokes) maybe it’s time to think about your stage presence/persona.

--How sad is it that the Oscars play that awful music to cut people off during their acceptance speeches? I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for these people to thank their family, colleagues and loved ones for a life of hard work that culminates in this ONE brief moment in time –and they have a time limit?!? Granted this happens more so with the awards no one cares about (sound editing, foreign films, costumery, etc.) but if the Oscars are so concerned with time, why not get rid of all the useless bullshit from the show: the horrid auto-tune/mash-up of created songs from awful movies, Gwynneth Paltrow singing and/or James Franco in a dress.

--Seriously, Gwynneth Paltrow should NOT be allowed to sing in public. Not all actors can sing. Not all singers can act. The entertainment industry MUST come to this realization. The sooner the better. Plus, she looks uber-constipated when she sings...not the best look for her.

--How, why and when did Kelly Osbourne become a definitive voice in contemporary fashion? Isn’t being Ozzy Osbourne’s pudgy and annoying daughter the only career path she’s qualified for?

--I have nothing but respect for Joan Rivers long career and sense of humor, but I hardly feel like a 100-year-old heap of plastic surgery is in any position to comment on fashion. And don’t get me started on the hermaphroditic freak of nature (and heap of plastic surgery) Stephen Cojocaru. Call me a jerk but aside from “The Soup” every show, every person and every thing on the E! Network is complete and total brain cell-destroying horseshit.

--ALL white chicks absolutely love every little thing about Cate Blanchett. Michelle Williams is quickly gaining ground, though. Go ahead and add Sandra Bullock to this list for good measure (though I wonder if her universal white chick love would be the same if her scumbag husband didn’t cheat on her with that tattooed skank?)

--Jennifer Hudson is literally half the performer she once was.

--One of the highlights of last night–not seeing a Kardashian.

--Scarlett Johansen is easily one of the most attractive women on the planet, but how did she forget to brush her hair for the Oscars?

--Really? Erin Andrews at the Oscars? WTF…shouldn’t you have to have some sort of marketable talent to at least receive an invitation to the Academy Awards?

--Looks like it will take more than an Oscar nomination and a reference by Justin Timberlake to make Banksy a more credible pop culture reference.

--Was anyone else hoping when Billy Crystal came on stage last night that he got some sort of “relief host” signal from the Oscars’ producers? Like he was called in from the bullpen for the save?

--Hey, Natalie Portman, we all know you’re pregnant. You don’t have to mention it, like, ALL the time in, like, EVERY speech or interview you give. (Author's note: this is spurned by jealousy of the fact that Portman's child is not mine).

-- Not counting the children in the PS22 Chorus, but 1/3 of the black people they showed on the Oscars last night were dead–between Halle Berry, Oprah and Lena Horne.

--We get it, Jesse Eisenberg, you’re such a rebel because it’s 2011, you’re an Oscar-nominated actor and yet you don’t own a TV or have a Facebook page. Perhaps if you owned and frequently used these modern marvels of communication, you’d be a little less socially awkward and painful to watch in interviews.

--Reese Witherspoon is a super cutie, BUT not last night. It looked like her stylist stole her hair do from My Little Pony.

--Is it me or do Keith Urban and Billy Ray Cyrus look almost exactly the same?

--Melissa Leo’s f-bomb during her acceptance speech last night may very well have been the only genuine moment of the night.

--Why the Corey Haim snub in the “In Memoriam” tribute last night? Come on, he was brilliant in “Lucas,” “License to Drive,” and “The Lost Boys.” For shame, Hollywood. For Shame.

--Really?!? Scientologists can't get any love at the Oscars anymore?!?

--Portraying a character with mental issues (Natalie Portman), substance abuse problems (Christian Bale) or slight handicaps (Colin Firth) will ALWAYS equate to an Oscar win.

--I could die a happy man if I don’t ever have to see or hear Celine Dion again.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Amy Newton

Since the blog's inception, WWCC’s humble author has developed near-OCD fascination with scouring the Interwebs to hunt down any and all comments posted about the blog. One such event occurred about a week ago when the kind soul and true gentleman Mickey Cloud (@mickeycloud on Twitter) Tweeted some glowing remarks about WWCC to the universe.

A brief dialogue ensued in which Mr. Cloud, being the true benevolent gentleman that he is, inquired about nominating his own girlfriend to be WCOTW. Now, WWCC is always flattered by any such requests and will always try to accommodate (especially when the blog has been complimented in such a kind way.)

But Mr. Cloud’s request had a bit of a unique kicker...he was nominating his special lady friend as a Valentine’s Day present to her. As skeptical and cynical as WWCC’s humble author may be of the most contrived “holiday” in the world, it was nonetheless moving. Easily one of the most romantic acts ever witnessed. Ever. It would seem your humble author’s skeptical cynicism is merely an outer shell protecting a warm, gooey, hopelessly romantic center.

And WWCC would also like to offer a sincere apology to Mr. Cloud and his wonderful White Chick for not posting this until several days after Valentine’s Day. Nonetheless, I think you’ll agree that when it comes to true love, every day can, and should be, Valentine’s Day. And I also think you’ll agree that Mr. Cloud is one lucky bastard.

Presenting WWCC’s Valentine’s Day White Chick of the Week: Amy Newton


Age: 23
I have worn the honor of honors; I graduated from the University of Virginia. And of course, I majored in Art History.
Volunteer Coordinator / Development Associate for a Non-Profit Organization
Current city:
Norfolk, VA
Chesapeake, VA
One Quick Interesting Fact About Amy:
I know 150 capitals of the 195 countries in the world, according to Sporcle.


Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: #6 3-count Chicken Strips with Polynesian and Chick-fil-a Sauce; Sweet Tea
Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter:
Corey Smith
Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans:
Sevens…so cliché, I know, but I love my J-Brands too
Boutique Cupcake Flavor
: Pink Champagne
White Chick Flick
: I’ll go off the beaten path and say Center Stage but I do love How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, too.
Favorite white chick adult beverage
: Pineapple juice and vodka. I’m getting more into bourbon these days, but my staple is still the pineapple-vodka.
Favorite White Chick Lit:
The GRITS Handbook (Girls Raised In The South)
Item of Accoutrement/accessorie: Rosegold Michael Kors oversized watch


When did you first realize you were a white chick?

During a Girl Scout camping trip, I went up to the leader (who was my mom) and told her I was having a great time camping, but I had seen a Hilton Hotel on the way up the mountain, and thought that would be a more fitting place of shelter for us.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

Monograms – they’re on my towels, a bathing suit, the rear window of my car, my coozies, my jewelry box, pretty much everything I own; David Yurman; Gossip Girl; cowboy boots; reading People Style Watch

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?

Definitely Regis and Kelly; I’m famous for inventing the “Clueless Closet” iPhone app that is modeled after the opening scene in Clueless, where Cher picks out her clothes from her touch-screen computer. Wait, why am I giving away my billion-dollar idea…?

Your turn to turn the tides: briefly discuss something that white guys are particularly fond that you find comical.

Their love of girl pop – case in point: I was driving around town in my monogrammed Xterra this weekend and “Firework” came on. I turned it up and started signing along – but to my surprise, the loudest one in the car wasn’t me or Katy – it was my boyfriend, belting every word out at the top of his lungs. God forbid Ke$ha or “Party in the USA” comes on next.

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?

Kate Middleton! The world would then know what I’ve known all my life – I’m a princess!

Nominate yourself or a fabulous white chick friend to be WCOTW by emailing me at

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Boutique Frozen Yogurt (aka. "Fro-Yo")

To say that White Chicks and dessert have a perplexing relationship would be the understatement of the century. (Though it's not nearly as strange or maddening as the relationship between Sammie and Ron on “The Jersey Shore,” seriously, would they just break up for good already? But I digress).

Dessert is kinda like that 'one' ex-boyfriend for White Chicks, there are times when she literally wants to spend every waking moment in its presence and other times when the mere mention of its name will make her throw up in her mouth a little bit. Why this weird on-again/off-again romance with WWCC’s humble author’s favorite food group?

Despite what you may believe, dearest WWCC reader, being a White Chick isn’t all jovial Sunday Brunches, Fashionable Rain Boot Shopping and Jack Johnson concerts. It’s hard out there for White Chicks...a constant struggle, actually. Along with the unending pressure to out-cute the ubiquitous and fabulous looking competition, there’s also, like, every form of media out there informing White Chicks what they SHOULD and SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE on a 24/7/365 basis. And thus, it’s an immense challenge for a White Chick to maintain a natural, healthy relationship with the sweet, sweet empty calories of dessert AND her own body image. (WWCC simply MUST make this parenthetical side: “Hey, White Chick. Yes, you. In case no one has told you today, you are fantastic, amazing and beyond-beautiful just the way you are.”)

But there is one form of dessert that lets a White Chick indulge her sweet tooth while keeping the pangs of horrific dessert-guilt to a minimum. A delicious treat featuring various forms of edible-accoutrement which lets a White Chick create a frozen concoction unique to her and her alone. And that’s because White Chicks Cherish Frozen Yogurt (aka. “Fro Yo”).

Ask any White Chick and chances are she's been to a Boutique Fro-Yo joint least within the past 30-45 days. And there's a strong chance that said Boutique Fro-Yo joint’s name includes some sort of yogurt-pun (ie. Yo-Reeka, or Yo-Foria). If a White Chick’s frequently visited Fro-Yo Boutique’s name does not contain a yogurt-related pun, then by law it is required to contain the word “Berry.”

The White Chick Fro-Yo of today isn’t all that different from the TCBY yogurt fad that took the nation by storm in the mid-90s. (TCBY now is like K-Mart to me, I haven’t seen one open for business in at least a decade). Essentially it’s similar to the yogurt available the yogurt aisle in the grocery store, only it's frozen (duh!). And while TCBY only featured chocolate, vanilla, swirl and the chemically-great tastes of Boysenberry, White Chick Fro-Yo Boutiques feature a bounty of magical “base” flavors including: Pomegranate (a fruit currently riding a wave of unprecedented fame in the White Chick diet world). Blueberry. Coconut. Blood Orange. Honeydew. And Green Tea (it’s a safe bet a White Chick will try anything Green Tea flavored–be it gum, breath mints or even Green Tea–at least once).

But what makes Boutique Frozen Yogurt a deeply loved form of dessert for White Chicks is the wide assortment of Fro-Yo Accoutrement available. The base-flavors are merely a low-calorie, creamy blank canvas of delicious possibilities for White Chicks. Fro-Yo Boutiques feature a veritable buffet salad bar of various toppings where White Chicks can cater their yogurt’s taste to their feelings at any given moment. Fro-Yo Accoutrement may include, but is not limited to any combo of the following:

Fresh Pineapple

Chocolate Chips


Crushed Oreos



White Chocolate Chips

Yogurt Covered Raisins

Fruity Pebbles




Gummy Bears

Gummy Warms




Sour Patch Kids

Cap’n Crunch

Reese’s Cups

Pretzel Bits

Shaved Coconut

Dark Chocolate Chips



Graham Crackers



Brownie Chunks



Snickers Chunks

Colored Sprinkles

Chocolate Sprinkles

Chocolate Syrup

Whipped Cream

Fro-Yo is literally perfection for White Chicks because it can cure any craving for dessert that they may have. White Chicks can keep things low-cal and fresh with an assortment of fresh fruits and grains. Or they can dive into the sinful dessert debauchery that is every form or chocolate imaginable in one priced-to-weight cup.

But Boutique Fro-Yo isn’t “really” dessert for White Chicks much in the same way that Chic-fil-A isn’t “really” fast food. Because at the end of the day, as one loyal WWCC reader explained it to me, “it’s still yogurt, you know, so you don’t feel as fat.”

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Monday, February 7, 2011

White Chick of the Week: Melissa Langston-Wood

WWCC has already introduced you to one top notch White Chick from The Creative Circus, and now you’re about to meet another.

As a grad school for weird kids, the Creative Circus is a two-year advertising portfolio for folks that want to work in the creative side of the advertising industry. As far as school experiences go, it was the most fun I’ve ever had questioning my talent and severely stressing over my career and financial future on a daily basis. Second in my heart only to my true alma mater of Clemson University, the Creative Circus is a pretty special place, chock full of some genuinely talented and super cool folks.

And the latest White Chick of the Week is about as genuine, talented and super cool as they come. Check out her portfolio and her blog, and I’m sure you’ll reach the same conclusion. Please give a warm, WCOTW welcome to Melissa Langston-Wood.


Name: Melissa Langston-Wood (I should get bonus white chick points for my hyphenated name)

Age: 25

College/Major: Ole Miss/Marketing Communications

Current City: San Francisco

Occupation: Copywriter

Hometown: ATL, ho (quite possibly the whitest thing I could've written with the exception of Hotlanta)

One Quick Interesting Fact About Melissa: I'm trypophobic. Organic clusters give me goose bumps. Google it.


Chick-fil-A Combo Meal: Number one with a diet lemonade
Non-threatening Singer-Songwriter: Joshua Radin. James Morrison comes in at a close second.
Brand of Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans: Joe's
Boutique Cupcake Flavor: Coca-Cola
White Chick Flick: Sixteen Candles
Favorite White Chick Adult Beverage: Blueberry vodka with soda and lime
Favorite White Chick Lit: Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes
Item of Accoutrement/accessory: Ray-Ban Wayfarers. Or anything vintage.


When did you first realize you were a white chick?

The moment I opened my first issue of Teen Magazine and saw JTT with his sexy butt-cut and oversized B.U.M. t-shirt. And then did M.A.S.H. and put him as my number one for the "Husband to be" column.

It's been a long week at work; tell us about your ideal white chick weekend.

Well, considering the fact that I'm poor and only have an air mattress in my apartment, something free and outside. But if money wasn't an option I'd be somewhere in the Greek isles. Possibly on a boat.

What are some the things you cherish most as a white chick?

Boy bands, Chapstick, The Office, SEC football, dancing at weddings, Perez Hilton, and cheese dip

If you could be the contestant on any reality show (think The Bachelor, Top Chef, Project Runway, The Amazing Race, etc.) which one would you choose and why?

I don't know. I think in a perfect world I'd be on the Jersey Shore. In the real world I'm too white and too Southern. And MTV already filled the role of the vertically challenged, slightly swollen lush.

Your wildest dreams come true and you have a chance to be a guest on Oprah, Ellen or Live with Regis&Kelly but only ONE: What did you do to become famous and which show would you want to appear on?

Ellen. And I'm an actress who just won some sort of award and gave the most inspiring acceptance speech ever. Obvi.

Your turn to turn the tides: briefly discuss something that white guys are particularly fond that you find comical.

How much they think they relate to professional black athletes.

Tell us a something about you that is very un-white chick

My boyfriend is Indian. And he doesn't wear seersucker or croakies.

Are you a Twilight fan despite being a full grown adult? Why?

You know, I was hoping this question wouldn't be on here because I don't think it's fair for me to have to discuss why I like tweenage books about vegetarian vampires. I also like more intellectual and witty reading material from authors like Tom Wolfe and Chuck Klosterman, but you asked this question so specifically. And I hadn't planned on lying in this particular questionnaire so you've forced me to admit that not only do I read these books but I enjoy them. I am hooked on them. I want nothing more than for Edward to climb into my window and creepily watch me while I slumber. And I want a werewolf to vie for my love and affection. Until now, however, I have been able to keep that under wraps, sharing it only with my BFFs. You changed that. And I have become yet another stereotype in the sea of trendy, Caucasian women. I think you should pay for my ticket to the first installment of Breaking Dawn when it comes out in theaters. It's only fair.

If you could trade places with any famous white chick who would it be and why?

Tina Fey. She's a badass.

Nominate yourself or a fabulous white chick friend to be WCOTW by emailing me at

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Over Sized Sunglasses

Though I've alluded to the topic several times in other WWCC posts, I've yet to tackle this subject matter head on. And now is just as good a time as any.

In the world of White Chick Fashion Accessories there is one thing universally owned by seemingly every White Chick on Earth. A certain item of accoutrement that offers relative anonymity while still saying to the world, "Hey, world! I'm a White Chick! Aren't I fabulous?" A wonderful item that represents the happy union of fashionable form and feasible function that truly personifies an often used phrase in the White Chick lexicon (particularly when it correlates to Fashionable Handbags and a certain part of the male anatomy which may or may not be the topic of ribald discussion over the third Bloody Mary or Mimosa at Sunday Brunch): Bigger is Always Better.

White Chicks Cherish Over Sized Sunglasses

There's really no rhyme or reason when it comes to the perfect size of Over Sized Sunglasses for White Chicks. Generally, they seem to be just a couple of notches under those giant, comically huge joke sunglasses in size, but WAY WAY cuter. As long as they have the ability to be lifted off the face, rested above the bangs and double as a hair band once a White Chick is inside and out of direct sunlight (White Chicks do with this with such adorable aplomb), then, really Over-Sized Sunglasses are the perfect size.

But there most definitely is a certain logic pertaining to the cost of said sunglasses and their life expectancy in White Chickdom. A designer pair of Over Sized Sunglasses is at least a $200 White Chick investment that almost always seems to be left in cabs, lost forever to an expansive body of water, forgotten on top of the car before the morning commute or simply pulverized during an over-served fall while Overdressing for a College Football Game Tailgate. Conversely, a pair of sunglasses under $25 (often purchased at Target) to offer a quick fix will seemingly last forever.

Over Sized Sunglasses typically come in three styles:

The Jackie O's:

Obviously drawing a major influence from the former First Lady who, still to this day, stands for a level of elegance and sophistication nearly every White Chick in the galaxy aspires to reach. Jackie O-versized Sunglasses are generally geometrically shaped and feature either a dark tortoise-shell or solid black frame. Essentially if these sunglasses cover a White Chick's entire face, save for her mouth and nose, then they are utterly fabulous. Elegant enough for an outdoor wedding reception but still casual enough for a trip to Walgreen's in workout clothes to buy lady products...and maybe some Peanut Butter M&Ms.

The Aviators

Not only did "Top Gun" leave us with a masterpiece of an 80s movie (one you just have to watch if it plays on cable on a hungover Sunday) whose thinly-veiled homo-erotic undertones leave us questioning Tom Cruise's sexual preference decades later, the movie also helped to popularize the second most popular form of Over Sized Sunglasses for White Chicks.

While Jackie O's are the most popular, Aviators require a certain amount of panache to pull off properly in White Chickdom. White Chicks in Aviators are generally in touch with their inner-rock star. Aviators make White Chicks look laid back, approachable and always ready for fun, be it day drinking on a friends boat or just driving around with the gals on a sunny day singing along to their favorite "Hey Girl!" songs as loud as possible on the radio.

The Hipster-ettes

In case you missed WWCC's brief dissertation on the indie/hipster White Chick in the Sassy Ankle Boots addendum post, this White Chick subspecies is currently popularizing another form of Over Sized Sunglasses.

Hipster-ettes are typically in the fashion of old-school horn-rimmed glasses (a la Buddy Holly) and generally come in loud, obtrusive colors (maybe a neon green?). There's really not much use of trying to make sense of fashion sense in the indie/hipster world, other than that irony seems to be a huge motivating factor. But nonetheless, indie/hipster White Chicks put a lot of effort into looking like they don't care how they look. And I just want to personally thank them for their efforts. Because, strangely enough, they pull it off.

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