Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ridiculously Expensive Blue Jeans

It's true, dear reader, I have spent most of my 33 years on this splendid planet as a single, idiot male. But on a few occasions the clouds of idiocy have graciously parted, the heavens shined down their mystical light and I've experienced the good fortune of spending quality time (a few years, in a couple of cases) in the company of really special white chicks. One of whom, easily one of the most top-notch white chicks the world has ever known, introduced me to the certifiable fact that white chicks cherish ridiculously expensive blue jeans.

We hadn't been dating for very long when she spoke of a disagreement she'd had with her mother after a recent shopping trip together. They'd argued over blue jeans. Now, I made it perfectly clear in the "Summer Scarves" post that I am quite the opposite of a fashion expert. Until I dated then-girlfriend, I didn't even own jeans. Not a single pair. And I lived that way for roughly six years of my life. (Maybe it's because the word makes up the first syllable of my last name, but I've always felt more myself in a pair of pants). So it had been several years since I'd even shopped for blue jeans (as a general rule, I try not to enter malls unless it's by absolute necessity), but I foolishly assumed that white girls purchased jeans where everyone else did--usually some place like The Gap or Old Navy, maybe J. Crew or Banana Republic (if they were wanting "high end" jeans) or any other store that sells female clothing.

When I learned she'd gotten into an argument with her mom over jeans I was confused. But it made sense when then-girlfriend told me the retail price of the jeans was the cause of the controversy: $200. (This is an approximate figure, $200 is really about the median price for the various brands of ridiculously expensive jeans that white chicks cherish. It should also be noted that seldom are these jeans a perfect fit right off the rack. Often, they require some slight altering or hemming to get them to the proper length, which only adds to the price. And it's also commonplace to own several pairs of these jeans to accommodate the varying heights of a white girl's expansive shoe collection. It costs a lot of money to be a white chick).

"200?!?! For jeans?!?!" I asked incredulously.

Now, just as I've spent most of my life in single white dude idiocy, I've spent a near equal amount of time hovering uncomfortably close to the poverty line. At the time, I was living on Folly Beach in Charleston, SC, barely scraping a livelihood together as a freelance writer covering bands and supplementing that extremely meager income through a juice-bar/deli/barista gig and some occasional wedding reception bartending. So $200 was a TON of money then--roughly 20% of my monthly income. In my state of sticker-shock I thought of all the philanthropic, world-saving things one could do with $200--donate the money to any number of charities; purchase a daily ration of food for at least 15 child sweatshop-workers for a whole year; provide mosquito nets for an entire impoverished African village--the list is nearly endless.

"Blue jeans shouldn't cost $200," I said like a complete ignoramus. I don't think I've ever uttered a more uneducated, imbecilic sentence in my entire life.

Because I soon saw how then-girlfriend's posterior looked in ridiculously expensive blue jeans. I imagine it's how brand-new mothers feel when they first meet the child that's been growing inside their womb for nine months. It was glorious. Simply divine. Awe-inspiring.

I was an instant convert and have never looked back. And through the help of then-girlfriend I learned of designer brand names like 7 for All Mankind, True Religion and Citizens of Humanity. And thanks to my skills in non-creepy observation over the years, I've learned that ridiculously expensive jeans are the most versatile clothing item in a white chick's fashion arsenal. Paired with a sensible top, a fashionable jacket, and a high heel (or tucked into a pair of boots), ridiculously expensive blue jeans can be entirely workplace appropriate yet easily transition into a fun, flirty outfit for a night on the town. On a casual sunny day, a white chick can put on a cute headband, roll up the jean cuffs to mid-calf level, slip on her Rainbow flip-flops and she's ready for a day of window-shopping, maybe even a visit to the cupcake boutique, with her girlfriends.

As a way to express my gratitude to then-girlfriend for enlightening me, I took her shopping for a pair of ridiculously expensive blue jeans. My treat. It was the first time I'd ever been inside Saks Fifth Avenue. I don't remember the exact purchase price, but whatever the cost, it was an absolute bargain. I would have gladly paid double. And had the clerk requested it, I would have signed away my first-born child and my everlasting soul to Saks Fifth Avenue with a giant smile on my face.

Yes, it was true then and it is still true today, there are a lot of potentially world-changing, life-saving things a white chick (or anyone for that matter) can do with a minimum of $200. But there have always been injustices in the world. There has always been the suffering and strife of the disadvantaged. And we're all incredibly and unspeakably fortunate we've never had to live like those gnat-riddled children on those commercials who can be kept alive with a gracious pledge of mere pocket change. The world is not a perfect place and it never will be.

Ridiculously expensive blue jeans ARE NOT a self-indulgent fashion choice of white chicks to fit in with the masses. I believe quite the opposite, actually. The way white chicks look in designer jeans is their special way of making the universe a better place. It's their own selfless, exquisitely shaped gift to humanity. So whenever you're lucky enough be in the presence of a white chick in ridiculously expensive blue jeans, I urge you to bask in the glory.

Because for that brief moment, all is right with the world.

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  1. I like the other end of the scale that all White Chicks include in their wardrobe....old, short, torn, tight cut-off blue jean shorts!

  2. I might take you shopping with me next time I need jeans. What glorious compliments!

  3. You may be single, but you're no idiot.

  4. This is hilarious, Mark, and I'm so glad that I could show you the light.