Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Boutique Cupcakes

As I mentioned in WWCC's Intro/Welcome post, the topics of discussion in this blog are based upon 33 year of less than scientific research and dedicated, but non-creepy observations into the behavior of white chicks. But in an effort to truly grasp some subject matter, mere observations are not enough. There are times when you have to roll up your sleeves, fearlessly dive into some unfamiliar territory and eat some cupcakes.

It's not hard to understand why white chicks cherish cupcakes. They're adorable and delicious. And there's something alluring about removing the cupcake's paper cup wrapper. It's like cupcake lingerie, because knowing what's underneath doesn't make taking it off any less enticing. And sure, cupcakes are empty calories (one of the most reviled pairing of words in the white chick lexicon), but they leave behind little evidence unlike the dirty dishes and silverware associated with other forms of my favorite food group. Once the paper cup is tossed away, it's almost like nothing ever happened.

I've known for a while that white chicks cherish boutique cupcakes, but had never sampled one before. But just as a straight single dude can't really go eat Sunday Brunch, they sure as hell can't just casually stroll into a cupcake boutique. The only men who willingly enter cupcake boutiques are gay, on a mission for their hormonal spouse/girlfriend or doing research for a blog about the myriad things white chicks cherish.

I visited The Atlanta Cupcake Factory on Sunday with an open mind, an empty stomach and a salacious sweet tooth. I was escorted by friends Julie and Lauren--two fabulous white chicks and early, thankfully-loyal WWCC supporters, so I knew I was in great hands in a place where few single men have gone before. Only allowing myself one cupcake would have negatively impacted the breadth of my research, and it would be like telling a white chick she can have only pair of fabulous shoes in her closet. Plus, once I saw the display case at the Atlanta Cupcake Factory, I knew that settling on one or two or even a few cupcakes was not an option. So I got one of every cupcake in the case (minus Coconut because shredded coconut is super-gross) asked for a glass of milk and settled up with the Cupcake Factory to the tune of $36.

Turns out a fool with a sweet tooth and his money are soon parted.

I'd envisioned Julie, Lauren and I hanging out, enjoying cupcakes and having delightful conversation about the blog (I even brought along a little note pad and my digital camera sans-batteries), but that's not what happened. At all.

The Atlanta Cupcake Factory is a tiny place with no available seating inside. The one sit-down table outside was selfishly occupied, so we just awkwardly stood there as I sampled from the $36 Boutique Cupcake Bounty. It became less of a casual outing and more of freak show, as Lauren and Julie basically just stood and watched me eat. But they were great moral support, encouraging me to try "just one more" (I felt comfortable after the 4th, but Julie urged me on after the 5th...because stopping on an even number like 6 just makes more sense).

All in all the entire outing took less than an hour, and I ate $15 worth (that's a half-dozen in layman's terms) of boutique cupcakes in 18 bites. And then I went home and into a brief coma.

Here's a run-down of my Sunday findings:

Salted Caramel: White chicks seem to be big fans of the sweet/salty combo. And now I know why. Rich, gooey sweetness with just the right amount of salty-tang. Super dope.

Chocolate/White Chocolate: I love white chocolate, especially when it comes with more chocolate attached to it. A stellar cupcake.

Lemon/Blueberry: White chicks love this flavor combo in any form, so I had to give it a shot. Plus, I'd like to think the three blueberries on top served as my daily serving of fruits and antioxidants. I should've saved this one for last--it would've made for a nice palette-cleanser.

Chocolate Dulce: Something really sexy happens to caramel when it's called "dulce." And this cupcake was magnificent.

Sugar Cookie Vanilla: The whitebread of boutique cupcakes, but really good in that simple, yet effective way.

Key Lime Pie: A fantastic dessert on its own and in the form of a cupcake it was absurdly amazing.

I came out of my sugar shock on Monday and have since housed the remaining cupcakes. Red Velvet with cream cheese icing was uber-decadent and is easily a number one choice for white chicks everywhere. The Chocolate/Chocolate would be a great way to force yourself into a diabetic overdose. The Strawberry cupcake was summery-sweet and perfect. The Grasshopper cupcake was mint and chocolate seducing one another on top of cake. And I had an additional Chocolate/White Chocolate for good measure.

The Boutique Cupcake outing taught me two concrete facts of life:

1. The best part about being an "adult" is the ability to spoil your dinner with sweets anytime you want.

2. A boutique cupcake is the perfect metaphor for white chicks: cute, sweet and impeccably presented. And the really great ones will always leave you wanting more.

Eleven more in two days in certain instances.

(A big thanks to Lauren and Julie who supplied the camera-phone photos. And also a super-thanks to my friend, insanely-nice white chick, former Creative Circus classmate and gifted art director Jenny for helping to make WWCC's blog and Twitter feed look pretty).

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  1. We apologize again for not inviting you to our pre-cupcake brunch. But you know. You're single. And a dude. So. The demographics didn't exactly work for us.

  2. Love. It. However, I didn't think it was awkward. Of course, I was one of the WCs egging you on like a drunken frat boy, not the guy being stared at ("Dude you can totally pound one more!"). It might have been a little more enjoyable if we'd have had the table occupied by the gals (not chicks) doing their 'analysis' or whatever (at a cupcake shop on Sunday afternoon for eff's sake). Yeah, sorry about the brunch, but I'm pretty positive you couldn't have eaten five cupcakes if you'd have had brunch. Hysterical.

  3. Nice Titleist hat... Fitting into the white, Southern boy stereotype.

  4. I've been meaning to get down to the ACCF sometime for the past 9 months, but haven't gotten around to it...but since you have confirmed the existence of the Salted Caramel, I can assure you it will happen this week at the latest.