Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wearing Flip-flops Regardless of Climate

I touched on my hypothesis in the “Summer Scarves” post regarding how white chicks love wearing certain clothing items during inappropriate seasons. It's easily one of their favorite things on Earth to do and can be as adorable as it is mystifying. Summer scarves are but one example of this fashion-in-the-face-of-weather phenomenon, because white chicks also cherish wearing flip-flops regardless of climate.

It’s true. White girls wear flip-flops year round, without even a casual recognition of the weather, recklessly exposing their pedicured feet to the unwelcoming elements of winter. Granted, I have lived in the Southeast my entire life and our winters can be particularly mild and short, but as a general rule, some may refer to it as "common sense," I tend to believe once the weather outside drops below 50 degrees or so one’s feet need not be exposed.

White chicks, please accept the blog’s most sincere apologies if WWCC's tone thus far has been harsh. I'm not as dumb as I look or act--I sort of get it. Flip-flops are cute (except for those hideous platform-sole kind), fun and comfortable. But, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I know any amount of time and effort spent trying to understand the reasoning or logic behind the actions and behavior of white girls is time wasted.

Also, I wish I had a nickel for every time I've seen a white chick wear the following outfit on a cold winter's day: a legitimate winter scarf, North Face/Patagonia fleece jacket, ridiculously expensive blue jeans and Rainbow flip-flops.

I’m currently lacking, and open to receiving, evidence from other regions of our fine nation, but I promise you, all white chicks in the Southeast own at least one pair of Rainbow flip-flops (possibly Havaianas if they are more internationally-curious). And the only weather condition which would prohibit a white chick from wearing her flip-flops would likely be a blizzard during a nuclear winter, and even that is a speculative guess at best.

But white chicks' love of wearing flip-flops regardless of climate is not completely without merit. Socks can be a pain the ass—they leave those pesky little collections of lent between your toes and are always disappearing somehow in the laundry process. Shoes often become untied--posing dangerous health risks to yourself and others in the form of tripping hazards. And is there anything more enraging than a shoelace breaking during mid-tie?

I'll be honest and admit I have a prejudice towards flip-flops. I am cursed with absurdly long, primate-like toes. I can pick objects off the floor with them and I am justifiably self-conscious about how they are on freak-show display in a pair of flip-flops. (I'll freely admit to wearing Chaco sandals because the straps cover a portion of my monkey toes. And I have been a Birkenstock patron during my life. But I will NEVER, EVER wear, not even by gunpoint, those horrendous woven-leather sandals for men aka "mandals"). So while I choose not to wear flip-flops myself, I would be remiss to neglect mentioning that they do serve a utilitarian fashion purpose for white chicks. They can put a cute, casual spin on any outfit--from shorts to sundresses to a bridesmaid dress. But I think white chicks have a deeper connection to their flip-flops than most people realize.

If you don't know what I mean, ask any white girl who goes out at night with her Rainbows in her gigantic purse or any white chick that keeps a pair of flip-flops handy on the floorboard of her car. Because after wearing some unreasonably uncomfortable high heels during a night out with the girls or a long day at work, there is absolutely nothing better for white chicks than putting on a pair of flip flops. It's instantly soothing and gratifying. Easy on. Easy off. Divine.

It's relationship nirvana. An ethereal blend of comfort, reliability and freedom--all blissfully co-existing in one pair of shoes. Flip-flops are the perfect back-up for white chicks. Just like that guy from high school she would totally marry if he's still single when she turns 40.

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  1. well done sir!

    i have almost an exact version of that picture you used in this post. i'll tag the blog if possible b/c i'm pretty sure it's already on FB.

  2. Mark with every post I love you more!

  3. I tell you again, get out of my head sir! I have actually twice been caught in a freak New England snow storm whilst wearing my beloved JCrew flip flops. It wouldn't have been such an issue if they had better traction.