Monday, August 9, 2010

Summer Scarves

White girls love accoutrement.

Undoubtedly, the history of fashion is wrought with examples of white girls adorning themselves with various accoutrement in order to attract the eye of men, the praise of their girlfriends, and the jealousy of "that slut" they'll never get along with (all white chicks have a nemesis). Now, dear reader, please keep in mind while perusing this blog post that I am by no means a fashion expert. (In fact the opening sentence of this paragraph, and this parenthetical aside you are reading this very moment, mark only the second time in my entire life I've ever dared write the phrase "the history of fashion"). The only sense I can make of white chicks' fashion sense is that nothing will stand in the way (not even the weather or common sense, for example) of a white girl's quest to look adorable.

Which brings us to the topic of this post on What White Chicks Cherish: The summer scarf.

Summer scarves. Thanks to alliteration the two words sound fantastic together, but that doesn't make them any less of an oxymoron. Like "rational" combined with "Glenn Beck" or "erudite" describing "Sarah Palin"--summer and scarves are an unnatural pairing of words and live at polar opposite ends of the season/appropriate attire spectrum. But not for white chicks.

I grew up in Columbia, South Carolina; a city famous for Hootie and the Blowfish and ridiculously oppressive summertime heat and humidity. I currently reside in Atlanta, Georgia, which features a regrettably similar summer climate with a way more metropolitan vibe, pro sports teams, and an infrastructure likely designed and maintained by a special needs class of second graders. I'm more or less used to sweltering summers after living in the Southeast for 33 years, but it's still hot. Really uncomfortably fucking hot. And hardly an appropriate season to wrap ones neck in decorative fabric as a form of accoutrement. But not for white chicks.

Despite the fact that it's summertime, and in many American cities the temperatures are reaching triple-digits, white girls everywhere are adorned in colorful scarves. Don't get me wrong, I think it's mega-cute, eye catching, and can really make a white chick's outfit 'pop.' But on really hot days I regret the fact that I have to leave air conditioning and even wear pants in public, and I cannot imagine having a scarf around my neck, clinging to my skin. Just thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies. But it doesn't bother white chicks.

So there it is, white chicks cherish scarves--even in the summer. Honestly, I think most of the things white chicks do defy logic and conventional reason in both confusing and intoxicating ways. And since trying to understand why white chicks do the things they do is an exercise in futility, I'll continue to go with the flow and stand in awe of them. Because white chicks are an adorably perplexing enigma.

But I have another, slightly off-topic, point to make with this post.

I'm a simple-minded male, so function over form has always been my fashion rule. And it's likely the reason why anytime I buy a new shirt, it inevitably looks very similar to one I already own. I do own a scarf, a simple, nondescript strip of utilitarian fleece purchased from Old Navy that I've maybe had cause to wear 20 times in the eight years I've owned it. I use it to keep my neck parts warm when it's cold out. Simple as that. And I state this fact because, unfortunately, I have seen the summer scarves fad carry over into male fashion as well. Though it would seem obvious that my own wardrobe, which consists mainly of tattered band t-shirts and three-to-five year old J. Crew pants, would prohibit me from casting dispersions on the clothing decisions of any self-respecting man, I MUST take a stand.

Gentleman, I think we can all agree that unless you're an adorable white chick, or one of the Jonas Brothers, you have absolutely no reason to wear a summer scarf. So please stop. Post-haste. Just don't do it. Ever. You look like an asshole.

Don't be shy, white chicks. Post some of photos of yourself rocking a summer scarf over on our Facebook Page. And please feel free to provide suggestions for future entries.

No comments:

Post a Comment