Thursday, October 28, 2010

Dressing Like Total Sluts for Halloween

If you haven't caught on through previous WWCC posts, White Chicks are simply amazing and fantastic creatures. They're the only species on the planet to have artfully mastered the vast complexities of fashion, accessories and putting together the proper outfit for the the proper occasion. Though a lot of their fashion decisions may make very little common sense on paper (ie. scarves in the summer or cowboy boots with a cute sundress) only a truly unique breed of human would be able to carry off such perplexing clothing choices with such adorable aplomb.

From job interviews to casual window shopping to hungover brunches, white chicks have an uncanny way to dress appropriately for all occasions and look amazing for everyone of them. Dressing sensibly for white chicks has far less to do with common sense than it does with the end goal of looking cute. Tacky is the enemy. Trashy is avoided at all costs. And slutty is basically the end of all humanity in the white chick world.

But there is one day of the year when all white chick fashion etiquette goes out the window. A special day (which can be stretched out into an entire week between all the different parties and social events associated with the holiday) in which everything their mothers ever taught them about carrying themselves in a lady-like manner becomes utterly useless and unheeded information.

And that's because White Chicks Cherish Dressing Like Total Sluts on Halloween.

Just as children appreciate Halloween for its unique opportunity to not only accept candy from strangers but to wander public streets begging for it, white chicks' fondness for Halloween is deeply rooted in the opportunity, for maybe just a few hours out of the entire to year, to revel in their inner-slut and display it proudly for the whole world to see. (It's more or less certifiable fact that every white chick on the planet has an inner-slut to varying degrees).

What other holiday allows white chicks to drink excessively while wearing certain clothing (or lack thereof) items in public (like a corset or nipple tassels, for example) that they would never, EVER wear on any other day? What other day allows white chick girlfriends to go shopping for things that would literally kill their grandmothers if that dear, old woman would ever see her granddaughter in such an outfit?

Only Halloween.

I tend to view Halloween in the same light as New Year's Eve. I usually end up having good times on each holiday, but generally think that too much planning, stress and importance is placed on each occasion to have the "Best Night Ever." But I'm also a warm-blooded, single, idiot dude and of course love to see cute white chicks in absurdly revealing clothing.

For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon of White Chicks Dressing Like Total Sluts for Halloween, there are typically three stages of slut-costumery, each one more provocative than the next. They are as follows:

Naughty: This is the fetal stage of Dressing Like a Total Slut for Halloween. Put simply, a Naughty Costume would entail anything a white chick wouldn't wear to work or in front of her grandparents. Clothing items will be exceptionally tight, short, or revealing but still leave something to the imagination of onlookers. Naughty Costumes may provide a chance for white chicks to wear that one top, skirt or pair of shoes they know they look hot in, but still cannot believe they ever bought because said item(s) are just a little "too over the top."

Sexy: Sexy is stage two of Dressing Like a Total Slut for Halloween. Tight and skimpy are the general rules of thumb when picking out a costume. Excessive cleavage, thigh high stockings, and stripper-esque high heels are bonafide requirements. Sexy costumes may make normal activities like walking or sitting next to impossible to do without exposing a peak of underwear. Sexy costumes may also be the first time anyone other than an intimate boyfriend or a BFF discovers a white chick has a tattoo or birthmark in that one area that typically doesn't see much daylight.

Slutty: On any other day a Slutty Costume would get a white chick confused with a full-fledged prostitute and possibly arrested for indecent exposure. The likelihood for a white chick in a Slutty Costume to unknowingly expose a nipple, butt cheek or her "special area" to the public in such an outfit is all but guaranteed to occur. Essentially, the only thing separating a white chick in a Slutty Costume from one of those drunk chicks on the "Girls Gone Wild" videos is the absence a millionaire pervert with a video camera capturing it all on film and then distributing said video through lascivious late-night cable TV advertising.

White chicks, just in case you have yet to solidify your Halloween costume(s) for this year (which is highly unlikely as Halloween costume planning for white chicks typically begins on November 1), WWCC has compiled a list of possible costume ideas.

Simply add the words Naughty, Sexy or Slutty to anything listed below and then consult your giant, cardboard box of Halloween accoutrement to complete the look:

--Cop
--Cheerleader (Bonus points if it's your actual cheerleader outfit from high school)
--Catholic School Girl (call me a single, idiot dude, but this is the BEST. COSTUME. EVER.)
--Angel/Pixie/Fairy
--Football Player
--Pocahontas
--Girl Scout/Brownie (this is sort of wrong in an awesome way)
--Little Bo Peep
--Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz"
--Strawberry Shortcake
--Rainbow Bright
--French Maid
--Harry Potter/Hogwarts outfit
--Vegas Showgirl
--Little Red Ridinghood
--Nun (this is wrong on so many levels)
--Disco Queen
--Snow White
--Hooters Waitress
--Alice in Wonderland
--Sailor Girl
--Eve (as in "Adam and...")
--Business Woman (aka SEXecutive)
--1920's Flapper
--Genie
--50's Diner Waitress
--Roller Girl (I'm not sure why, but roller skates are SO slutty)
--She-Devil
--Cinderella
--Cleopatra
--Cat Woman
--Nurse/Doctor
--Playboy Bunny
--Referee
--Lady Pimp
--Princess Leia (bonus points for an excellent ear-muff hairstyle. Mega-bonus points if it's the Princess Leia skimpy gold bikini outfit a la "Return of the Jedi")
--Marilyn Monroe
--Betty Page
--Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"
--Hot Mobster
--Stewardess
--Greek Goddess/Toga Hooker
--Burlesque Girl
--Lingerie Model
--Race car Girl
--Dominatrix
--Convict
--Bavarian Beer Maid
--Pirate Wench
--Any other Disney Princess not previously mentioned
--Future Robot Hooker
--Daisy Duke
--Victorian-era Hooker
--Geisha Girl
--Firefighter
--Antebellum-era Hooker
--Vampiress
--Smurfette
--Witch
--White Trash Barbie
--Werewolf Hooker (I have never seen this costume, but I think it's a pretty gnarly idea)
--Zombie Hooker
--Belly Dancer
--Regular Hooker
--Wilma or Betty from "The Flintstones" (Betty is WAY hotter)
--Army Girl
--Queen of Hearts
--Baseball Hooker
--Construction Worker
--80's Hair Band Groupie Hooker
--Santa's Elf
--Britney/Christina/Madonna/Katy Perry/Lady GaGa/Cher
--Librarian (runner-up for Best. Costume. EVER.)
--Jem from "Jem and the Holograms" (Truly. Truly. Truly outrageous).
--Raggedy Anne
--Wonder Woman
--Bumble Bee
--BatGirl
--SuperGirl
--Medieval Hooker
--CaveWoman Hooker
--Going with a group of bffs as "Sex and the City" girls
--Mariachi Band Hooker (I just made this up)
--Kitty Cat
--Punky Brewster
--one of the "Mad Men" women (Is there anyone on TV sexier than Joan? No way.)
--Jane from "Tarzan"
--Hippie Hooker
--Betty Boop
--Lara Croft
--Ballerina
--Auto Mechanic
--Viking Hooker
--Barbarella
--one of the "Saved by the Bell" girls (bonus points for the "I'm so excited" version of Jessie Spano all jacked-up on caffeine pills)

Happy Halloween WWCC readers!

Share some costume ideas with WWCC on Facebook and Twitter!

4 comments:

  1. next year i'm totaly gonna be a werewolf hooker ;)

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  2. This new post is the best! Love it and so true! Will share this with my friends and quite possibly future followers of this blog!

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  3. Your photo invites a side question - are Hot Asian Chicks just White Chicks with better metabolism and base tans?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers getting naked on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete