There's the chance to revel in the splendor of spending quality time (but not too much) with one's family. The opportunity for unheard of sales and deals beginning on Black Friday and running well into the New Year. There's the chance to bust out the N'Sync Christmas album (most white chicks LOVE this album, though I tend to prefer the "Charlie Brown Christmas Album").
There's the office Christmas party, where that one person in accounting or that creep in IT will get way too over-served and make a complete ass of themselves around co-workers and/or make improper sexual advances towards another co-worker.
There's the annual viewings of pure Christmas Classics like the old-school animated "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (big ups to Yukon Cornelius!) and other gems like "Home Alone," the perfect "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and TBS's best programming decision EVER in showing "A Christmas Story" (undoubtedly one of my favorite movies of all time) for an entire 24 hour period starting on Christmas Eve.
But all of these Holiday traditions pale in comparison to the true favorite White Chick Christmas Tradition. The one tradition that sends White Chicks in droves to thrift stores all over their respective cities, or has them rifling through their grandmother's closet over Thanksgiving break, to find that one piece of Holiday accoutrement that will be the true envy of every other white chick at the themed-party they'll attend during the Holiday season. And that's because White Chicks Cherish Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties.
Watch out, Halloween, because Christmas is gaining ground on you in terms of a treasured national White Chick Holiday that provides a free-pass to dress tacky. And although Halloween is really all about White Chicks dressing like total sluts, Christmas is proving to be not entirely all about Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men...just ask any White Chick in a "Slutty Mrs. Clause" get up that's heading out with a huge group of friends for a "Santa Pub Crawl."
But it's really all about the Ugly Christmas Sweater for White Chicks. The average white chick will attend at least 1 (one) such party per Holiday season, and though there is no certifiable proof of this claim, I think it's a safe bet that a White Chick came up with idea to throw the first Ugly Christmas Sweater party ever.
There are a few guidelines for White Chicks in picking out the perfect Ugly Christmas Sweater:
- Simply put, the right Ugly Christmas Sweater MUST be something fantastically hideous that, on any other day of the year, it would be something a self-respecting White Chick would never, EVER wear out in public.
- The "perf" sweater is different for every White Chick. It could be a turtleneck or a cardigan. But once they find it they just simply "know," much in the same way people "know" they've found the right pet in an animal shelter. It simply just pleads to them "pick me, I promise I am perfect for you."
- Bonus points are awarded if the sweater contains some sort of emroidered accent (ie. Santa's beard, Rudolph's red nose, any sort of Christmas present bow).
- Bonus points are also awarded if the Ugly Christmas Sweater has some sort of weird smell. Though a White Chick will surely launder said sweater before the party, the funk will nonetheless provide a funny talking point as White Chicks converse about their own unique trials and tribulations of finding their respective sweaters at the party. (Author's note: This conversation will surely occur).
- The tackiness doesn't have to stop at just the sweater. Additional bonus points are awarded for Christmas-themed tights/leggings, ridiculous shoes, any sort of pin or hideous Christmas broche, any type of blinking light earrings/necklace and of course the Santa hat.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year...to be a White Chick.
Happy Holidays from What White Chicks Cherish!
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