Wednesday, December 1, 2010

White Chick Problems (aka. First World Problems)

Dear white chicks, white chick enthusiasts and loyal WWCC readers;

Please accept my most sincere apologies for the lack of content lately. I know this will come as a pitiful excuse for an apology for this egregious error, but I have something of a good cause for the lack of WWCC posts lately. I was out of town for a couple of days before Thanksgiving week and spent the entire week of Turkey Day at home--mooching off my parent's bountiful supply of groceries and enjoying a week surrounded by family. And upon my return to Atlanta I was stricken with a cold (it seems half my extended family was sick over Thanksgiving, so it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me), and so today WWCC returns with a new post. Finally.

I'd plan to do this post to coincide with Thanksgiving, but alas the aforementioned reasons and my lifelong battle with procrastination got the better of me. But it occurred to me over the break that, despite my paltry bank account and relative lack of success in the job hunt, that I still have a lot of reasons to be thankful. I'm blessed with a great family, awesome friends and the sweetest dog ever. Despite its abundance of crapulence at times, life can still be wonderful.

And while I am positive white chicks everywhere have equally important reasons to be thankful this holiday season, I also can only barely fathom how difficult it is to be a white chick at times. Life, despite its ability to be wonderful in times of crapulence, is rarely a walk in the park for white chicks. In fact, it's damn hard to be a white chick. Like hunted prey in the wilderness, white chicks have to be incredibly nimble to stay adorable and up to date in an incredibly competitive and ever-changing environment. I said this before in a previous post, but for white chicks the competition is everywhere and it always looks fabulous.

So as an ode to the arduous, up-hill battle white chicks face on a daily basis just for being white chicks, I decided to compile a list of White Chick Problems (aka. First World Problems). And while these challenges are hardly cherished, they should nonetheless be known to the world as they help build the immaculate fortitude that make white chicks such a truly magical breed.

Common White Chick/First World Problems may include, but not are limited to, any of the following:
  • When water-proof mascara is so water-proof it does not come off after washing their face, like, three times.
  • The "Sophie's Choice" decision of choosing to either watch or DVR "Gossip Girl" or "The Bachelor" on Monday nights.
  • When that selfish careless slut in front of of them in line takes the last red velvet cupcake.
  • When the only phone call/text they receive from a guy on Friday nights is labelled in their phones as "Don't Answer. EVER."
  • Beverage choices: Wine vs Cocktail vs Wheat Beer.
  • When the stupid Presidential Address interrupts "Glee" (or any other favorite show)
  • Finding the "perf" pair of boots ON SALE but they are a half-size too big/small.
  • Late Night Choices: Sack of Krystals, wine and a chick-flick with the girls or answering the Booty Call.
  • When they clearly ordered a triple-shot Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks but it's evident there is only two-shots in the cup.
  • Having to decide what to order to eat on a first date.
  • Having to jerry-rig the strap on their favorite over-sized handbag because the buckle broke.
  • Spilling their Pumpkin Spice Latte on their laptop.
  • Trying to decide when to "Friend" a new crush on Facebook. Do they wait for him to do it or brazenly do it themselves?
  • Getting upset when their favorite band that THEY DISCOVERED suddenly is liked by EVERYONE. (ie. Kings of Leon).
  • Setting their alarm clock for PM instead of AM on Black Friday.
  • Having to choose where to eat for the "Girls Night Out Birthday Dinner" and subsequently figuring out how to overcome the "no separate checks" policy.
  • Facing the impossible fact that they just talked to a guy with lipstick/spinach/some foreign substance stuck in their teeth.
  • The difficulty of finding a way for their new watch/necklace/earrings, etc. to match their other jewelry.
  • Having to feign gratitude when their boyfriend's mother gives them a gift card for a Christmas/birthday present.
  • The horrid reality that Prince William is marrying "that girl."
  • When their roommate carelessly erases the latest and unwatched episode of "So You Think You Can Dance" or "True Blood" before they had a chance to watch it.
  • Arriving to a social event to see a total skank wearing the same dress/outfit. And NOT being able to go back home and change.
  • Not being able to wear their favorite heels on a date for fear of being taller than the gentleman caller.
  • Meeting the perfect guy only to find out later he likes Nickelback and owns/wears Ed Hardy clothing. Or he's gay.
  • Farting during yoga/pilates class.
  • The fear of farting on a first date/job interview/meeting his parents for the first time.
  • When Chick-Fil-A forgets to provide a straw when they order a giant fountain Diet Coke or Peppermint milkshake (author's note: I am sure this rarely happens as Chick-Fil-A never forgets the straw in the drive-thru...but if this were to ever happen it would likely bring about the end of humanity).
  • When a restaurant's fountain regrettably runs out of Diet Coke or only offers Diet Pepsi or Coke Zero (It's just not the same).
  • When the Avett Brothers' concert sells out before they can get tickets OR the Avetts fail to perform their favorite song
  • Lumpy/congealed/unacceptable queso dip at Mexican night with the girls.
  • Groceries or Highlights?
  • Bridesmaid dresses.
  • Having to wait, like over a WEEK, for a new post on What White Chicks Cherish. And/or waiting for their turn to be White Chick of the Week.
  • When their girlfriends go see "Eat Pray Love" before they've had a chance to finish reading the book.
  • Crying when they're drunk and overdressed at a college football game when their team loses in overtime/to the hated rival. (Bonus points if you are, unfortunately, a Clemson fan).
  • Having to substitute Monster or a lesser energy drink when they order a Red Bull and Vodka at the bar. (OR if the bar doesn't have Sugar-Free Red Bull).
  • Not discovering until in daylight out of the house that their black leggings and black boots aren't the same shade of black.
  • Missing the sale at Anthropologie.
  • When their new manicure makes it difficult to type/text on their laptops or iPhones.
  • When the strap on their favorite shoes/dress/bra/flip-flops breaks.
  • When their spray tan leaves an orange residue/hue on their 600 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
  • The sad truth that delicious red wine temporarily causes "grey teeth"
What did WWCC leave out? Let us know on Facebook or Twitter